Parenting is a tough job... and I have a feeling it will get harder as the years go by. Harder in that I will need to be attentive and aware of my childrens needs and desires.. what they are up to and how they are feeling.. w/ or w/o them actually telling me.
Yes, these insights have come from the book I wrote about in my last blog... I knew these things well before I had children, but the book really drove this point home for me.
I called Tom today to bail me out of my housebound parenting hell today. Like the great husband he is he packed up his stuff at work and cruised home immediately to save his teary eyed crazed wife. Off I went to a coffee shop for some quiet... and of course I read a book about kids, but hey.. it's what I wanted to do.
As I sat there reading it hit me... this is it. I'm happy and satisfied w/ my two children.. as they get older I want to be an attentive parent and in order for me to do that I think that I need to "keep it simple"... meaning that having more kids would make it more difficult for ME to be the attentive parent that I want to be. I want Jason and Lily to have attentive parents and should embryo 1 and 2 come to be little ones I want them to have attentive parents b/c all of my "children" (all children - not just mine) deserve at least that. So tomorrow I will be calling SRM and asking them some last questions about my little totscicles... 1. how long do they keep the embryos on ice waiting for them to be 'adopted' by another couple, 2. how often do people use donor embryos and 3. would we know that our embryos had been chosen? (the answer to this is probably no)...
I'm ready to let them go to another couple, but the prospect of never knowing if someone 'adopted' them and if they ever made it threw freeze... to the warmth of a uterus... and through a pregnancy to their first breath... answering another couples long unanswered prayers. I just don't know.. that is the only thing holding me back. But what's the use of holding them in our name if we never intend to give them life???
Wow, Laura. Those are pretty heavy decisions. I didn't realize all the the invitro entailed. You're very strong. I don't know if I could've done it and I admire you. Jason and Lilly are pretty special aren't they?
ReplyDeleteyes they are ... and having to make these decisions was part of the reason I initially (in the very beginning) felt I would never do IVF... but when faced w/this is it.. it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteTough decisions. Give yourself the gift of time. You'll know when the decision is right. Let it stew in your mind for awhile. What ever you choose will be the right decision.
ReplyDeletethat is a big decision! What was the parenting book you were reading? I know the feeling of wanting to be attentive to your kids...sometimes I still want another, but I know that that would take some things away from the two that I already have - things like time (my time with them) and resources. Two is certainly enough of a blessing!
ReplyDeleteWow. That is super heavy disclosure. I'm sitting here, somewhat, startled. Not just because of what you said, but because I totally understand what you are saying. I'm impressed with your sureness. It takes a lot of courage.
ReplyDeleteIn the blogosphere I seem so sure.. of course I have my moments of doubt... partly I want to have my life back.. as much as I can have it back! ha ha (selfish, no?)
ReplyDeleteand I'm an all on the table person.. well w/ most things. ha ha I have my secrets! HEE HEE
It's a tough decision.. and I still have questions.. that I still haven't asked - though I said I was going to do it the next day.