Friday, August 27, 2004

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I had an ultrasound yesterday (Thurs 8/26/04) – both abdominal and transvaginal. As I lay there watching my ovaries and uterus on the screen – I could see them with help from the tech measuring things – I noticed that there were numerous black spots on each of my ovaries. At first I thought – hey maybe the Clomid is working, but FOUR on EACH ovary?? That seemed pretty unlikely. As I made my way back to my office I was wondering whether this was normal. I looked some things up on the internet and found some ultrasound pictures that looked similar to mine.. and below the picture – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)!!

I have heard about PCOS before and have done a lot of reading about it. I had suspected before that I had it based on my symptoms, but never had anything to confirm so I didn’t think much about it. My doc called later in the day and said that I have numerous 3 to 5 mm cysts on each of my ovaries and that she suspects that I have PCOS. She's ordering blood work to confirm this. I'll have to go in on CD3 of my next cycle. They will check for Androgens and Insulin Resistance. She also says that it looks like 50mg of Clomid isn't getting the job done -- though it's still possible that one or two of the 5mm cysts could mature. So now I continue as normal I guess.. she said to still take the OPKs and do the baby olympics just in case, but she suspects that I'll bleed between days 28 and 38. If I haven't bled by day 38 I'm supposed to call her for another prescription for Provera and my next round of Clomid (100mg)

If I am diagnosed with PCOS it doesn’t really change anything. We already knew I wasn’t ovulating now we just know why. The treatment is the same. First you start with Clomid – if that doesn’t work (and you have insulin resistance) then you take metroformin and Clomid together, if that doesn’t work there are injections that are heavily monitored to prevent over-stimulation, if that doesn’t work then you go on to IVF.

Well, at least my craziness got me booked for a flight to Taipei!! And now I'm not feeling as OBSESSED with the whole thing. This could take a while and I should just keep living my life!!! I think I'm going to start running again!!!! I almost feel like I got a little bit of my life back!

I’m not concerned about getting pregnant – I’m pretty sure that this can happen (eventually), but I am looking into natural remedies and things I can do nutritionally to provide maintenance long term to keep my hormones in check. If I have insulin resistance problems things would be worse for me… just for my general health. Type II diabetes is pretty prevalent in women with PCOS… but most of those women are also obese so hopefully my risk for this is low!

If you want to learn a bit more about this here is a decent link that is short!

This is a great site that has pics of Polycystic ovaries and an ultrasound picture that looks very similar to mine.

And if you go here you can see what an ovary looks like after Clomid - with maturing follicles:

What causes PCOS?PCOS develops when the ovaries overproduce androgens (eg, testosterone). Androgen overproduction often results from overproduction of LH (luteinizing hormone), which is produced by the pituitary gland. Research also suggests that when insulin levels in the blood are high enough, the ovary can be stimulated to produce more testosterone. That is, the combination of having ovaries which are responsive to insulin and high insulin levels in the blood, can result in the overproduction of testosterone.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

"We are all really alone"

“Without realizing it, I came to know that we are all really alone, whether we are “with” a partner or not. People change, people die, people break their promises, and people leave. It is our expectations that people will always do what they say, be where they’ve promised to be, or love us the way we envision. It’s not always the case that life stays this tidy. In one way this seems so sad, so hopeless, so uncertain. But in another way, it’s liberating, it’s true, and it can bring us closer to others. Why? For one, we can let go of the struggle we face in trying to make it not so. And secondly, because we are all in the same position - every single person out there is vulnerable to these life changes.”

Above is an excerpt from an email I received from a friend of mine that is currently spending a month in Italy. I am including it here because it really hit the nail on the head for me! I am feeling so incredibly alone lately – I seem to go through this from time to time. Maybe my expectations are too high.. maybe I hope/think that people are going to be more concerned with my well being than they really are? Am I a high maintenance friend? Perhaps. Do I isolate myself inadvertently? Perhaps.

Feeling this way makes me want to just give up.. go inside and take what I get out of my friendships when it comes. I know that this is not the right reaction.. it makes me feel like shit, but it’s the easiest reaction for me to deal with and it is my knee jerk reaction. I sound like a whiney brat!!!! UGH! I just feel lost and alone and I suppose it’s easier to point fingers at others for not being there for me - not being supportive - than it is for me to look inward and figure out why I feel this way.

As stated in my friends email above – in reality we are alone.. we are separated from others by our beliefs, goals, expectations, emotions, so forth and so on. There will always be a separation – ALWAYS!

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Life is so cruel sometimes!

As noted from my first post pregnancy is my number one goal and has been for a LONG time. It’s been a long painful struggle… let down after let down after let down. I struggle then I get hope.. then nothing.

Finally I have finished my first round of Clomid and now I am hopeful again and praying that it works.. If it actually makes me ovulate I have a 50% chance of getting pregnant within the first 3 months. Please God make this work!

I just got the news that my Sis-in-law and good friend is pregnant and it was like someone ripped my heart out and tapped danced on it! I feel awful for having this response to her happy news. I am so glad for them, but so sad for me. I feel as if I have been cheated. Why won’t God give me a baby? What did I do to be punished like this? I’m left childless while everyone around me is blessed with a child.. or two. Almost EVERYONE that I know gets pregnant the first 3 months trying. I have one other friend that is struggling. Why God? WHY!? What is wrong with me.. do I not deserve to be a mother? Then for what purpose could I possibly be here?

Trying to get pregnant is supposed to be exciting and fun and filled with anticipation of wonderful things... for me it is painful and disappointing. Just when I think I'm finally turning a corner and feeling more positive and hopeful I get slammed into the ground!

Hopefully the Clomid will work and we will actually be able to TRY for a couple of months in a row -- or even better just get pregnant the first time! No pressure.. damn!

I’m heading to Taipei with Tom and I am SO happy! It was a spur of the moment thing because he planned the trip then I started my period and therefore the Clomid. His trip falls right in the time that I may be ovulating. I was so upset. We decided that we should take advantage of this opportunity to get me over there and hey if we get pregnant in the process that would be great!!!! I can’t wait to get the hell out of here and be away from all of these happy pregnant people. I want to go somewhere and pretend that I live in some strange place where I fit in and people just don’t have babies!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Isn't it interesting...

Isn't it interesting how one’s mood can change so quickly and over such silly things. For example – yesterday I put on a pair of pants and as a result of them fitting a bit more snuggly then they did the last time I wore them I wanted to throw in the towel – finish my day before it started and crawl back into bed to “sleep it off”. How sad is that? And I know I’m not alone…..

For those men that may be reading this thinking that women are ridiculous … think again… I know that there are things that cause you to have the same or similar reaction to the day. Maybe your waistline is of little concern, but I know there has to be something that sets you off!

I haven’t posted in a while b/c of my not so positive attitude about life lately. I do not wish to impose my negativity on others!! I try to pull myself out of the doldrums – look around me – I have a GOOD life! Loving husband, beautiful home, good (well stable) job, great friends, supportive parents and in laws, the best dog in the world, food in the fridge and money to go out if the fridge food isn’t doing the trick… and what don’t I “have” .. the small waste and smaller butt that I had only a few months ago, ovulation and a baby and a fulfilling career.. it’s amazing how I can concentrate so much on those things!

Anyway – here is a mini update on where we are at with TTC. (trying to conceive) Don’t blame me for the acronyms I’ve been spending way to much time on the Fertility Friend boards.

I’ve taken the Provera to bring on my period.. and I WAIT!!! The doc said it could take 7 to 10 days from the last day I take the pills. Right now I’m 8 days in so hopefully in the next couple of days. After that I’ll get blood work done on day 3 of my cycle and start the Clomid. Hopefully everything will come back fine with my bloodwork and we will be able to continue trying this month. I’m supposed to have an Ultrasound and I’m assuming that will be somewhere around day 14 to see if the Clomid is working I have some mature follicles!
If at first you don’t conceive, try, try again!! (my latest mantra!)