Monday, January 29, 2007

Drowning in the River of My Children!

Lately I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like my identity is gone... like I live and breathe solely for my children... like my needs should vanish. I guess I'm just starting to feel this way b/c my needs/wants/desires are bubbling to the top again as I'm getting a little bit more freedom.

As I start to think of things I want to do.. and not just RIGHT NOW, but big picture things... I think, "and HOW am I going to pursue/do that when I have these two wee ones to care for?" I know that there are plenty of moms out there contributing to their communities and living their own lives, but how? I'm not just talking the physical act of going out and doing something w/o kids tethered to you - much less to your boob for nourishment, but the emotional act. I start thinking big about something... we'll use a triathlon as an example. I think oh how great it would be to do a tri... then I think about the training - oh the wind in my hair as I cruise along on my bike, the freedom of a nice quiet run, and - I won't lie - the swimming part is not so appealing. Then I'm snapped back to reality at the sound of my babies... whether talking to themselves or each other or CRYING... and I remember that I don't have the hours to train and be away from them. I suppose this feeling will pass as they get older and can go longer between nursing.. RIGHT!?

For now I feel I am drowning in a quickly moving river... I no sooner pop my arm out of the fast current to grab hold of a tree limb of my former self as the current picks up, rips my grasp free and sucks me back under.

I love my babies and being a mom is rewarding for the most part, but will I ever feel free to pursue those things I long for? I know hind site is 20/20, but I find myself wishing I had done more stuff before they were born... I always felt I was too busy... let me tell you as the time goes by you just get BUSIER! I'm sure this will be true as time goes by and the kids get older and more involved.. of course when they are doing their thing (school or whatever) I can do mine. Is that my destiny now? Fit my stuff in in between theirs?

If I had read this post two years ago I would be mad at it's writer... thinking, "I WISH I could forget about myself for a bit! I WISH I could 'just' be a mom and not have to worry about the rest!" After all we went through to get these kids here I almost feel guilty for having these feelings. I have these two BEAUTIFUL PERFECT (though they do cry a fair bit! ha) babies and I am complaining? WHAT THE &*$$! But I suppose no matter how they get here I am still a mom and I will have the feelings of any other mom and this is part of the gig... the whole loss of self thing! You don't know what you don't know, right?


  1. Yep, it's all a part of it! I will say that as the kids get older they get more self sufficient and it does get easier! That is one of the reasons why I don't want to have another baby. I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes we are still busy but it is not the constant neediness anymore - even R is starting to grow out of that. You will be able to train for that triathlon one day, if not right now, it WILL come! Don't feel guilty for feeling this way about yourself/your babies. It is so normal. It's hard to go from doing whatever you were doing to being bogged down in snot and crappy diapers and screaming kids whose needs can't wait. Just have faith that you will get through this stage and things will get easier.

  2. Jennie10:27 AM

    Ahh!! This is my BIGGEST fear about having kids! I have no words of advice but I can say I feel for you. I assume it will get better when they enter school. Just think...6 hours of freedom!! :) Maybe lay out some smaller goals for right now that will tide you over until they get older.

    If you lived closer, I'd watch the kids so you could go train for a couple of hours! Although, I think I would want to go train with you! I miss our long runs together...

    Hang in there! HUGS!!

  3. Jennie, can I just ship them to you in a box!? ha ha For what it's worth.. thank you! :) I would willingly do the same for you. When the weather is better I will be getting the ultimate work out.. pushing a double jogger... or pulling one behind my bike! Is it spring yet?

  4. Kelly6:36 PM

    I'm not sure it ever goes away, Laura. I keep having my own day dreams about getting a horse, riding and showing again. It's totally normal and yes, it sucks.
    I think it's important to not give up on your dreams of doing a triathalon. Your kids will be in school someday (but then you'll be driving them to soccer and what not). For me, I had to redefine what I wanted. Instead of being a competitive equestriene, I would be happy with a horse to ride 2xs a week on trails. It doesn't seem as impossible a goal. Because, unless you've got a nanny or daycare, as a mother you simply don't have time to pursue time-intensive goals. Being a mom REALLY made me appreciate my own mom and all she gave up for me.
    See if you can get someone to come in for a morning a week or find a drop-in. And see if you can get Tom to take Sat. or Sun. mornings. I live for Saturday mornings. I wake up and there's no pressure or responsibility and it gives me a much needed mental break. Try to come down alone, for a weekend. It was about the time JM was 6 mos. old that I left him with John Michael for a weekend to see Carol. I just remember feeling so free and giddy. It's like if you over train for running your body needs a rest. If you're over mommied then your soul needs a rest to remember who YOU are. Come down. I'll let you sleep in and get a couple bottles of wine. Maybe we'll go out to real restuarant and the movies!