Lately I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like my identity is gone... like I live and breathe solely for my children... like my needs should vanish. I guess I'm just starting to feel this way b/c my needs/wants/desires are bubbling to the top again as I'm getting a little bit more freedom.
As I start to think of things I want to do.. and not just RIGHT NOW, but big picture things... I think, "and HOW am I going to pursue/do that when I have these two wee ones to care for?" I know that there are plenty of moms out there contributing to their communities and living their own lives, but how? I'm not just talking the physical act of going out and doing something w/o kids tethered to you - much less to your boob for nourishment, but the emotional act. I start thinking big about something... we'll use a triathlon as an example. I think oh how great it would be to do a tri... then I think about the training - oh the wind in my hair as I cruise along on my bike, the freedom of a nice quiet run, and - I won't lie - the swimming part is not so appealing. Then I'm snapped back to reality at the sound of my babies... whether talking to themselves or each other or CRYING... and I remember that I don't have the hours to train and be away from them. I suppose this feeling will pass as they get older and can go longer between nursing.. RIGHT!?
For now I feel I am drowning in a quickly moving river... I no sooner pop my arm out of the fast current to grab hold of a tree limb of my former self as the current picks up, rips my grasp free and sucks me back under.
I love my babies and being a mom is rewarding for the most part, but will I ever feel free to pursue those things I long for? I know hind site is 20/20, but I find myself wishing I had done more stuff before they were born... I always felt I was too busy... let me tell you as the time goes by you just get BUSIER! I'm sure this will be true as time goes by and the kids get older and more involved.. of course when they are doing their thing (school or whatever) I can do mine. Is that my destiny now? Fit my stuff in in between theirs?
If I had read this post two years ago I would be mad at it's writer... thinking, "I WISH I could forget about myself for a bit! I WISH I could 'just' be a mom and not have to worry about the rest!" After all we went through to get these kids here I almost feel guilty for having these feelings. I have these two BEAUTIFUL PERFECT (though they do cry a fair bit! ha) babies and I am complaining? WHAT THE &*$$! But I suppose no matter how they get here I am still a mom and I will have the feelings of any other mom and this is part of the gig... the whole loss of self thing! You don't know what you don't know, right?