Tuesday, April 12, 2005

left out of the club

... Karen had Riley yesterday - I haven't talked to her yet.... partly because I had class until 9:30pm last night and partly because I can't think about it without crying. I'm on day 64 of another long cycle. I'm feeling so helpless.. I can't fix it.. I've tried so many things and short of taking drugs I can't make myself ovulate! I feel like I've taken a huge step backward, but part of me doesn't want to take drugs and the other part can't afford it anyway. I'm feeling really discouraged and back to feeling like this is not meant to be for me!

It all overflows into the rest of my life.. I get so depressed nothing seems worth doing. Why go to work.. I don't need the money for a family.. can I even go back to school.. I'm probably not smart enough.. what would I do when I get out?

Hopeless... helpless.. worthless.. and still nobody understands.

Tammy finds out this Friday if IVF worked or not.. I think she is pregnant.. probably with one! My prediction.. let's see if I am right...

yet again.. left out of the club!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Cooper Michael Sweet!

I'm an AUNTIE... Fergus Festus has shown his face one week early and we finally found out his real name... COOPER! He's super cute and totally looks like a Cooper.

Image hosting by Photobucket

I'm so glad that I got to meet him the day he was born... from what I can tell from the pictures he's already changing!

Image hosting by Photobucket

It's been a hard couple of days... I'm great when I'm with him and Julie.. it's when I'm away thinking about Julie having a baby.. and me not even pregnant yet! She's graduated and joined the other team... will she be preoccupied with her mom friends?? She'll be busy with Cooper and family and mom's groups... will I be swept away? I'm sure it will happen to a degree. I don't want to be too pushy and want to go over there all the time...

It was all like a slap in the face.. makes it all reality! Karen is following closely behind and soon I will go through this all over again! Be the one without the baby.... or a baby coming!

As of right now I'm on CD38 and I haven't even ovulated yet... AF is no where in site either... it could be a long couple of months before she even shows! Three more weeks for me to get pregnant and still have a chance of having a baby in 2005... doubtful. I'm trying to put it in God's hands... trying to keep my spirits up!

I trust you to do what is best for me.. it just hurts that it might not be the same as what I want for myself!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I'm so proud of myself!

I finally did it! After applying for admission over a year ago I finally drug my sorry procrastinating ass up to Seattle Central Community College and took the placement exam! GEEZ! Was it really that hard? I didn’t place as high on the math as I wanted and ended up in the math class just below the one I need, but you know what… that’s okay!!! I’m one step closer to my dream and now I know where I stand.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Is this a sign? What? What should I do?

Had our CD16 u/s today – No follies and the cyst is still there. I am largely unsatisfied with the service that I’ve been receiving at PGS. Today the MA said she was going to go and talk to Dr. Hicock and when she came back she said that he thought it was a persistent cyst – then she said, “oh, but your estrogen was down.” Yeah!! Duh! We tested to see if the cyst was going to be a problem and found that it was shrinking and wasn’t kicking off estrogen. The reason I didn’t ovulate is b/c the medication didn’t do the trick. So the MA tells me we should still have sex b/c you never know and to call in about 2 weeks period of no period and we would go from there. I’m tired of not seeing the doctor... I’m tired of just being bounced around from person to person and getting the “treatment of the day” depending on who’s on call.

I’m starting to think that maybe God is trying to tell me that this door is closed – at least for right now. I’m feeling like maybe he wants me to focus on this going back to school thing and forget about the baby thing. It’s awful as I think that in the back of my mind I have bitterness and contempt for my friends that are pregnant – yes I am coveting my neighbor. (I’m going to hell.) I’m feeling like there is no way I can have relationships with these people that have kids after I make the decision that we are done trying and are facing the fact that we may never have kids. I can’t imagine what my life will be like in my 40s when there are no kids to talk about – that’s all people talk about in their 40s. I won’t have any friends. I just can’t even stomach the idea of hanging around with Karen and Julie and their kids knowing that I may not ever have children of my own.

It’s really time for me to spread my wings and add to my circle of friends… find people that talk about something other than babies, breastfeeding and diaper changing.
God, what? What are you trying to tell me? Are you testing me to see if I will remain true to you even though my prayers aren’t answered immediately or are you trying to tell me it just isn’t going to happen for Tom and I? I can’t tell if you are trying to tell me to keep pushing or to give up. Please help me see the answer to this question!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Life as an ENFJ!

ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition)
An expert from a personality typing program:
The main driver to the ENFJ personality is Extraverted Feeling, whose purpose is above all to find and discriminate the values in people and human situations. If their ability to find a specific and worthy value in a person or situation is threatened, the ENFJ shuts out the threatening force. This is totally natural, but unfortunately the individual who exercises this type of agenda protection regularly will become more and more rigid in their judgements and expectations of people, but even less concerned with the effect such conditions have upon themselves. Petulance, pensiveness and a sense of being let down by others can often be the end result of this one sided approach to the world.

I feel almost – vindicated… justified.. as if I’ve identified a side of myself as being real and rational. I always thought I was crazy/selfish/whiney for feeling this way, for feeling totally let down by my friends. Feeling like I put so much forth – so much consideration for their feelings – and get little to none in return. I have been feeling this way so much lately in regard to this whole infertility thing. Should the circumstances be switched I would give my friends that respect of trying to curb my conversations about my own pregnancy while I was around them. For a while I felt that I got the courtesy from Julie, but not Karen, but as Julie’s pregnancy progresses and I guess as we spent time talking about my difficulties she has started to talk more and more about her pregnancy and it’s hard for me. It’s not that I don’t care – it just hurts for me to hear these things. So, instead of expecting people (note: expectations of people) to modify their behaviour I had decided to take the month of January off of seeing Karen and Julie and/or discussing pregnancy with anyone. (notice: shuts out the threatening force) It was really hard for me when we spent most of MY birthday celebration talking about Karen’s pregnancy – and EVERYONE that she knows is pregnant’s pregnancy (almost her entire peps group is pregnant again – isn’t that great – yea, it’s just super fantastic) and Julie’s pregnancy. (note: being let down by others )(I’m trying really hard not to be bitter) It was feeling great – now this whole business of figuring things out for Jennie’s wedding has forced me to look at it again – do I want to stay in a house full of babies?? I need to decide now…not in February. Should I be positive and upbeat and say “sure we can stay there b/c I will certainly be pregnant BY THEN.” Or should I be safe and say “maybe it would be a bad idea since that date correlates pretty closely with the time that Tom and I will be re-evaluating our plans for whether or not to continue trying to have kids and I could already be pretty emotional”?

I guess I feel less like a whiney baby now – it’s part of who I am to react this way. I guess now it’s time to realize this – look it in the face – and handle it better! BLAH! Maybe I liked being a whiney baby better. Another thing that ENFJ’s do is hold on to their values and decisions and use things like this to justify them.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


PS.. here is a picture of our dog Phoebe (the big one) and the puppy we are fostering - He's been with us for just over a month and our dog is finally getting settled in with him. It's got its moments, but for the most part it's a lot of fun.


Feel like I have my life back!

I'm feeling so good.. yippee for 2005. I really feel like "i'm back" that's all I could think last night while I was running. So far I'm keeping up decently well with things that I've wanted to change in my life... like my attitude and my ASS! ha ha ha I've been sticking to my running schedule pretty well - I'm committed to running the Mercer Island half marathon on March 20th and am busy recruiting runners for the Mt. Si relay on April 17th. If I get pregnant ... great... I can still run. I've got to do this for my sanity. It's nice to have things to look forward to other than MAYBE being pregnant!

I've started to notice the beauty surrounding me here in Seattle as well and am trying to convince my husband that we should try not turning on the TV every night. I think at first we would feel strapped for something to do/talk about, but we would figure it out. I was recently inspired by a friend's story of her to be brother in law and his wife.. they have bicycle trainers in their living room instead of a couched. I mentioned this to my hubby last night and he told me he used to do that when he was watching tv... hmm we have a trainer and some rollers -- maybe we should consider this - we could still watch CSI and limit our tv time to when we are both on the bikes! I so want to be more active! :) And active together would be great! Maybe eventually I would be willing to take the show on the road and do road rides with him in the Spring.. then I would feel like I MIGHT be able to keep up! ;) See who needs babies when there is so much to do out there!

I made a new collage last weekend -- I had one last year that I kept in our office at home - it was to outline the things that I wanted to accomplish in 2004. Funny thing is that I RARELY go in the office at home so I never looked at it.. some inspiration huh? So this year's collage is on my desk at work right by my computer where I can see it! :)

Things represented on my collage - motherhood, heathly eating, mercer island half marathon and running, simplicity, chill out, revitalize, less is more, energy, renewal, something bigger than myself, "The thing that God wants to do in you while you wait is at least as important as the thing for which you wait" - Ben Patterson. What does all of this mean? I want to experience my life instead of just floating through. I want to open my eyes again and stop focusing so much on trying to get pregnant and the things that I can't do and more on the things that I CAN do. I am alive, I am healthy (for the most part and improving every day), I have the ability to do everything I want to do.. I just need to do it! God is there.. he is handling all the behind the scenes stuff and he can't live my life for me... I have to do that on my own!

Watch out world.. Laura is back in the game!!!

long-er run

Got through a 5 mile run unscathed yesterday. It felt great and I feel great... I'm so excited to be back out there. Maybe I will join a running club! :) Preg or not.. I'll still run I suppose! It was a beautiful chilly night and I started out as the sun was setting over the olympic mountains. It was breath taking. Jennie and I ran along the sound through Myrtle Edwards park then all the way to Ballard! We didn't talk about babies once... it was wonderful!