So I received my Clemson Alumni magazine yesterday and was reading through it last night.. 1. Clemson is now ranked #30 in schools.. that something ( I can't remember what the exact criteria was for the ranking )... okay.. good thing it was a school for "dummies" back in my day! I'm pretty positive I couldn't get in now.. and 2. what the hell was I doing back then? What the hell am I doing now.
As I read through and saw all the cool developments going on there - academically, not in regard to the number of keggers (which is where I spent a lot of my time) - and read about what the kids (did I just call them kids?) are doing and accomplishing I felt that all too familiar feeling of dread and emptiness. What have I done in the last 30 years? Where is my life headed? What do I WANT to be doing? What do I want to have done w/ my life when it's all said and done? Why have I wasted so much time? I feel like I've done everything in life kind of half assed... why? I guess half-assed isn't the way of putting it, but I've been passionless about most of it. What was my motivation in it all?? What kept me going on certain paths and what caused me to say ENOUGH.. this is not it!
There was a bit about two students from my major that were getting some award for developing a metallic ink that will print on corrogated board and my first response was to laugh. (No offense guys.. good work!) I lauged b/c I thought Who gives a rip, then I thought, wow, there are people out there that really get jazzed about that stuff. I'm not one of them.. yet I dedicated 4 years of my life to learning about that crap. (Again boys, crap to me.. not to you.. one man's trash is another man's treasure! ha) How could I get through something like that if I cared so little about it. Thinking back there were things I enjoyed about it I guess. Working w/ my hands and having a product or something to show for it at the end of the day. Working in the lab late at night w/ my friends and w/ someone in the same boat. I, for some reason, enjoy some amount of "pain".. not physical.. I guess more of a challenge and being the one that has it the "worst".. why I have NO idea. We worked our butts off in that major, but it wasn't always just late nights looking at some dumb text book and notes. It was doing WORK. Work that produced something.. a project. I wish I could figure out what all of this means in regards to finding meaningful work for myself some day. Work that I can get excited about instead of work I do to pay the bills.
For those that have known me for a number of years you know this is not a new struggle for me... since the start of the pregnancy my brain kind of shut off these worries... well, here they are back again. YIPPEE!
I'm happy and satisfied w/ being a mother for the time being, but I know that as the kids get older and start to have their own things leaving me to sit idle these thoughts will overwhelm me again. I guess in the meantime all I can do is keep my ears, eyes and heart open to new people and ideas and hope that along the way I stumble upon my "thing". And maybe one day I will look back on this post and these feelings and smile at myself as I do when I look back at all the pain, worry and heartache over being able to have children. :) All that struggle and now here I am.. w/ TWO beautiful wee ones......