Yesterday after I put the kids down I felt like I had barely seen them all day. This isn't the first time I've felt this way..
How can I stay at home with my kids and spend every waking moment w/ them and doing for them and feel like I barely saw them? I try really hard to do with them and not just for them, but some days the 'for them' is more than the 'with them'. Yesterday the took a good morning nap then we ran some errands - returning some clothe diapers I decided not to use, then going to buy some cups with straws for their now daily smoothies ('for them') then we got home, lunch, play while I clean (waiting for that full diaper), then down for naps. They took a great afternoon nap while I washed diapers, vacuumed and mopped floors. (for those who know me you know that the extra cleaning is also a 'for them'). They got up, had a snack, cleaned up, diapered then played a bit. They started getting fussy so we went to the park.. where I played with them, but I am more like a referee than a play mate... chasing down and watching as they climb and slide. I know every mom feels this way... a bit of a disconnect some days b/c of the 'stuff' of life, but I think it's harder w/ twins. I rarely get a day - a whole day.. ha ha.. shoot.. I barely get a 5 min span - where I can spend the day sitting down with a child, giving it all the eye contact and attention it needs and doing the things it wants to do. I get a moment here and a moment there. Mostly with Lily. Poor little thing. Jason is so demanding and in 'mama' mode and she is so amicable that I feel like she gets lost in Jason's wake. I keep telling Tom that I want to do a couple solo adventures with the kids (both of us), but when it comes down to it we don't get to spend much time as a family either so the solo excursions haven't happened yet.
Today Lily came over and handed me a book then sat in my lap so we could look at it. It melts my heart every time she does it .... but as usual moments later Jason came over and grabbed her book, sat on my other leg and pushed and shoved and grabbed until Lily wasn't interested anymore and moved on. I'm so sorry baby girl! I try to distract him with something else and go back to our book, but it never lasts.. he always comes back.
Lily... I promise you THIS WEEKEND we WILL do something just you and me! I love you honey. Jason loves you too... he just doesn't want to miss out on anything.
Things are going farely well with tom gone, but I am lonely. Before I had kids it never occured to me how isolating it could be. I remember Karen had her PEPS group and I had this vision that every day mom's spent their days getting together watching their kids play and chatting away. The reality is that you have a play group that you frequent.. maybe two.. each week. Other days either your kids or your various friend's kids are off their game on their nap schedules or someone has and appointment or a cold... and there you are by yourself stuck in the house alone w/ your cranky children and cranky self.