Sunday, May 14, 2006

5/14/06 - 32 weeks 3 days

OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!!!!! I'm going to be a parent.. I'm going to be responsible for these two little lives!!! What kind of mother will I be? Will I make the right decisions?? I mean I know my kids will blame me for all that's wrong in their lives regardless of what I do, but AHHH will I do right by my kids!? Why did I want to do this again? haha Just kidding... :)

Tom says he's not worried about being a parent! He says he is going to keep a clear head and use his best judgement! What the hell does he think he's talking about? Doesn't he remember being a teen ager!? AH! For the most part I take baby steps in my thoughts about parenthood - think of getting through the baby stage before jumping ahead to the "BIG CONVERSATIONS", but sometimes at night - like tonight at 12:30am - when I'm trying to sleep I think about all the big milestones that will come and go in my children's lives. Will I back down from the hard stuff to avoid conflict and uncomfortable moments or will I be able to be the adult and talk to my kids about the stuff that I feel I need to talk to them about?

Please God let me be strong and brave as a parent. Let me go out on limbs and not shy away from the hard conversations just because I'm afraid of "doing it wrong".

This truely IS going to be the hardest job of my life. While I'm thinking about this first year of my babies lives and the diaper changes, sleepless nights, crying, stress and pure chaos of it all the real work comes later... not too much later, but later! The mental work, the fear and worry ... okay the fear and worry started the day I found out I was pregnant, but still.

I guess you just can't worry about HOW you are going to screw your kids up because no matter how great a parent you think you are... or you really are... you are going to screw them up in one way or another. I just hope they get to the point where they get over blaming us for everything wrong in their lives and take responsibility for themselves...... some people never get there.

Geez, don't I have great aspirations for both my kids and myself as a parent!?

Okay... time to go see if I can get some sleep! Tomorrow I'll be one more day closer to holding them - yeah yeah yeah.. technically it is "tomorrow", but it doesn't count until I've slept first! :)

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