Had our CD16 u/s today – No follies and the cyst is still there. I am largely unsatisfied with the service that I’ve been receiving at PGS. Today the MA said she was going to go and talk to Dr. Hicock and when she came back she said that he thought it was a persistent cyst – then she said, “oh, but your estrogen was down.” Yeah!! Duh! We tested to see if the cyst was going to be a problem and found that it was shrinking and wasn’t kicking off estrogen. The reason I didn’t ovulate is b/c the medication didn’t do the trick. So the MA tells me we should still have sex b/c you never know and to call in about 2 weeks period of no period and we would go from there. I’m tired of not seeing the doctor... I’m tired of just being bounced around from person to person and getting the “treatment of the day” depending on who’s on call.
I’m starting to think that maybe God is trying to tell me that this door is closed – at least for right now. I’m feeling like maybe he wants me to focus on this going back to school thing and forget about the baby thing. It’s awful as I think that in the back of my mind I have bitterness and contempt for my friends that are pregnant – yes I am coveting my neighbor. (I’m going to hell.) I’m feeling like there is no way I can have relationships with these people that have kids after I make the decision that we are done trying and are facing the fact that we may never have kids. I can’t imagine what my life will be like in my 40s when there are no kids to talk about – that’s all people talk about in their 40s. I won’t have any friends. I just can’t even stomach the idea of hanging around with Karen and Julie and their kids knowing that I may not ever have children of my own.
It’s really time for me to spread my wings and add to my circle of friends… find people that talk about something other than babies, breastfeeding and diaper changing.
God, what? What are you trying to tell me? Are you testing me to see if I will remain true to you even though my prayers aren’t answered immediately or are you trying to tell me it just isn’t going to happen for Tom and I? I can’t tell if you are trying to tell me to keep pushing or to give up. Please help me see the answer to this question!