Tuesday, July 20, 2004

TTC #1

My life has been turned into a series of ups and downs.. I'm reduced to symbols and acronyms. I've learned a whole new language!!! It's part of the journey for those of us that don't just decide to get pregnant.. try a couple of times .. then BAM! baby number 1 or 2 or 3 is on it's way.
At first I was so frustrated and angry.. was I being punished? Was I not meant to have my own child.. to be blessed with a pregnancy and nurture my own offspring in my own womb?
I spent so many years of my life with the idea that it would "take me a while" to get pregnant. My mom had weird cycles and it took them SEVEN years to conceive. My cycles are irregular and I assumed it would be the same for me.. I almost created the situation with my own mind and heart.......
So I got off the pill early and started working with Herbs and Accupuncture to try to fix it all. I was going to be READY when the time was right. I started that over a year and a half ago.
Since then I've married the man of my dreams (YEAH!), been diagnosed Hypothyroid.. taken thyroid medicine, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, gone through two Basal Body Thermometers, diligently charted my temperature every day, passed and FAILED a bunch of tests for work, run a marathon, cut out caffeine, started drinking caffeine again, bought a house, stayed with my mother in law, taken dozens of pregnancy tests, watched almost everyone who tried get pregnant with little effort, been stuck with pins and taken some very NASTY herbal teas, shared in the joy of a friend's pregnancy to see her suffer from HG and later miscarriage.... time keeps ticking by.. things keep happening.. life won't stand still for me.
It's amazing how time goes by while I feel like I'm just standing here waiting for something to happen!!!! Feeling like my life was somehow on hold... yet life was still passing by.. on .. leaving me in the dust.
I can't wait around for ever... I can't hang everything on WHEN WILL I GET A BABY?
Wow, I feel so much better! A calm has come over me.. I'm doing what I can.. trying to maintain my sanity and roll with it all.
I finally broke down and went to see an OB/GYN that specializes in fertility and have purchased my first round of Clomid... first I have to take Provera and have my period... so this weekend I will start the Provera and on day three of my next cycle I will take Clomid.. COME on EGGS!! I should know more in September.
In the meantime.. I may not be a mother, but I am a wife, friend and daughter... I can't ignore these important roles b/c I am so busy wallowing in my self pity b/c I am not a mother. So I will go on with life.. I will continue along the ups and downs of EVERYTHING that is out there... while I am (not so quietly) trying to become a mom.
At first I kept quiet about everything that I was going through... now I have started to share.. started to lean on my girlfriends and my husband.. I feel liberated.. I feel better.. I feel free. I don't worry that they will judge my actions or that if I tell them these things I will let them in too much.. it has changed my world and my perspective.. I feel closer to my friends for having shared an intimate part of my life with them..... thanks to those women that help keep me sane.. and headed in the right direction.. I couldn't do it without their support!

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