5/3/06 30 weeks 6 days

I just realized something.. um a bit... "different" (okay that's really read ANNOYING, but I'm trying not to complain! ha ha) about twin pregnancy compared to a singleton pregnancy - yes, I realize I have NEVER had a singleton pregnancy, but I'm quite certain that the following observation is very true! Though in MOST cases w/ a multiples pregnancy you are in fact pregnant for a shorter period of time (term for twins is 37 weeks instead of 40) you FEEL pregnant for quite a bit longer!!! Okay.. this isn't talking morning sickness and what not.. this is talking the feeling of your body being inhabited by foreign beings and just not being able to move like you used to. For most of the singleton moms I've know and know now it seems that unless you knew the woman prior to pregnancy many of them appear that they MAY (Read: you would never ask "are you pregnant?") be pregnant well toward being halfway through the pregnancy. Now, seeing these women and remembering what my life was like at say, oh TWELVE weeks, you still feel rather normal and are asking yourself... "do I look pregnant to others? I mean I can tell the difference" Well.. I got to the "She is DEFINITELY pregnant" stage between 13 and 14 weeks... so I've been BIG BELLY pregnant for hmm... TWENTY SEVEN weeks now! People keep saying things like, "oh, must be any day now huh?" And they started saying that around 20 or 22 weeks.

So now I find myself day dreaming about what it will be like to not be pregnant anymore, though honestly it's hard to remember what it was like to not be pregnant. To be able to eat, or not, and not feel like I was going to barf, to get up off the couch or out of bed QUICKLY, to run across the street b/c a car is coming or to run into a store b/c it's raining really hard, to have a gin and tonic, to walk w/o waddling, to run in general, to ride a bike,... the list goes on.. how about to roll over in bed w/o doing a 25 point turn and waking Tom up. To actually FIT in my tub! Anyway.... so I'm all excited about this right. Naturally I'm reading some books about this multiples thing and in one I come across this:

Excerpt from "Mothering Multiples" by Karen Gromada:
"A sentiment often expressed by women during the last months of a multiple pregnancy is the desire to "get back to normal". Expectant mothers tend to idealize babies during pregnant daydreams. DAydream babies seldom fuss, spit up or have leaky diapers. Pregnant parents acknowledge that caring for multiple babies will keep them constantly busy, but imagining "constantly busy" and living "constantly busy" are seldom the same.
It can be a shock to discover that the postpartum year (DID SHE SAY YEAR?) is even less "normal" than 30 to 40 weeks of multiple pregnancy. Who could anticipaqte the suddenness of all the physical and emotional change that givng birth brings about? Change is always disruptive for routine-loving humans, but change, and the accompanying disruption in household routine, lasts longer when a new addition turns out to be new additions."

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!!! She did not just say that the following YEAR is going to be WORSE than being this pregnant w/ two squirmy little ones kicking the crap out of me and causing me to be nearly immobile! Making it so I can't enjoy my second love (eating) and my third love (moving) .... hmm. I'm not sure I want to subscribe to this thought process. I mean.. sure it's going to be hard.. they are going to scream bloody murder at the same time and BOTH expect ME - thier mother - to do something about it, their diapers will leak poop AT THE SAME TIME, they will wake us up at all hours of the night and want to be nurtured, they will turn my life upside down, but surely SURELY it will be a relief to have them outside my person... sure their will be days when MAYBE I'll wish I could put them back just to shut them up, but come on!!!! WORSE! No way! I'm not going to go there right now... I just want to meet them.. I will be happy to meet them... I won't believe what this woman is telling me! Not until I've lived it then I'm sure I will believe it, but now I have to believe that having them outside of me will be better! ha ha (this is the beginnings of my plunge into insanity I'm sure!) Thank GOD grandma and grandpa will be here in the beginning to be my extra set of arms! :) Dad, still counting on you for some diaper changes! ;)

Okay.. that's all for now.. just had to share that excerpt w/ you! Tom and I head to our "bringing baby home" class today.. and for the next three weeks.. then surely we will be all sorts of READY! HA!

5/2/06 30 weeks 5 days

My OB appointment went well yesterday. The doc said I was "PERFECT".. his words. I just told him that I already knew that! ;) The babies heart rates were great and doc said he thinks they are both head down.. we'll know next Monday at our next ultrasound. He said that after we get to 32 weeks they don't worry anymore.. and I'm close so that's good news! I haven't been gaining much weight from appointment to appointment and asked if that was a problem and he told me that the babies will get what they need to grow. It's hard for me to eat a whole meal so he said to just do my best to eat well and get calories in. I said, "so I shouldn't have half that cake you guys have out there?" He said, "Eat the cake!" ha ha Sweet ... free license to eat what I want! :) (NOTE: I learned a lesson this a.m... no matter how good chocolate chip cookies are ... they are BAD for breakfast.. I feel like crap after having two chocolate chip cookies after my breakfast... )

The cervix check was awful. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable it was... blah.. every week now. Oh well.. the things we do for our kids! Ha!

I also had a chiropractic appointment yesterday - which helps my back SO much - and the chiro asked what we were doing about vaccinations... or did I bring it up? I can't remember, but damn I have a lot of research to do. I've just been putting my head in the sand about it really... another thing to figure out.. I've been concentrating on just getting them here healthy and trying to get my mind around what we want done if they come early... and the whole c section vs. vaginal birth thing. I do need to think about this vaccination thing though b/c they start them right at birth. We need to be ready to tell the docs what we want done.

The days are slowing down even more.. is that possible? This waiting thing blows! I'm so excited to meet these little buggers - though a name for baby boy would be good BEFORE he shows up. Right now we are trying Austin out.. Tom's favorite so far.. it inspires thoughts of cow boy boots and ten gallon hats in me, but I'm trying to get past that. It doesn't help that Austin Powers Gold Member was on TV the other day... talk about ruining a name!

I'm not waking up to feet up in my ribs and baby lumps all over my belly - it feels like that scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of the guys chest.. or how I would imagine that to feel.

They will be here soon enough.. and while I wait I think I'll take a nap!

4/30/06 - 30 weeks 3 days

Ooops.. it’s been a while since my last post.. sorry to all my adoring fans! Ha ha did anyone even notice?

I have to tell everyone what a wonderful husband I have! J So going to the grocery store is quite the challenge for me. I’m back in the nauseous phase and thinking about food is no fun. The last time I went I came home w/ $77 worth of food and realized as soon as I unloaded it at home that I hadn’t gotten anything but snack foods that sounded appealing to me. We got by for a few days and then finally needed to go back. I asked Tom if we could go after he got home from work. He said, “sure, just make up a meal plan.” I said I would… I didn’t. I started, but 1) I got bored and 2) as I mentioned before thinking about food is no fun these days.

So my darling husband comes home to me in my sweats still w/ no meal plan feeling like crap. So he finished the half ass meal plan I had started then asked me if I would rather stay home… which of course I did! .. he went to the grocery store… prepared dinner and all I could do was bitch that he hadn’t gotten any ice cream! (I mean do I – the pregnant wife – REALLY have to remind him to get ice cream?) I realized my lunacy and apologized for complaining! Ha! I’m so lucky to have such an accommodating husband! Would you believe that he didn’t even complain.. not once! J Wow, I’m a lucky girl.

I did tell him that I will try my hardest to remember all of the great things he did for me while I was in late pregnancy after the babies are here.. to not ride him too much about not helping in ways that I may want him to, but that I wasn’t promising anything! J He just rolled his eyes and laughed.

I’ve managed to not have to sleep on the couch again since my last post.. again, Tom gets up to let Phoebe out now.. damn I’m lucky! J I generally get back to sleep pretty easily after my many trips to the bathroom AND Phoebe’s bathroom break.

I’m on weekly appointments now w/ a cervical check.. starting on Monday – I guess this is when you know you are getting close. The doc said that 50% of twin moms go into preterm labor during this phase of pregnancy so they want to monitor me closely. I have to signs of it thusfar.

All is well – we still just wait! Mom and dad are getting here in about 4 weeks.. so these babies have my permission to come any time after that, so long as they are healthy and ready!

I’m working on our birth plan.. is the ultimate control move on the nurses/docs or is it just me that feels that way!? I’m hoping that it’s mostly helpful for Tom … so that he doesn’t remember the things that I wanted when I’m in labor and in pain and he just wants to focus on getting our babies here safely. I trust his judgment 100%! (Am I indicating that I don’t by working on the birth plan? Well he’s helping w/ it!)

That’s all for now!

4/19/06 - 29 weeks

The babies heartrates are a bit closer together again.. I'm not sure why they change, but baby boy's heart rate was 157 and baby girl's was 161. :) Mom has officially gained 40lbs. GEEZ! It's sure going to be fun to watch it all melt away! At the chiro yesterday she told me my face was looking fuller - Isn't that just GREAT news! I should have said, "Oh yeah, you think that looks fuller you should get a load of my legs!" ha ha

My dad is currently doing some "Life changes" to his diet and exercise program and is dropping LBs about as fast as I'm picking them up. At last count he was at 205 and loosing so we are narrowing the gap - I'm 184 (gained 3 lbs last WEEK!). We'll have to be sure to get a photo of us at the end of the pregnancy.. the one and ONLY time I will weigh more than you dad! :) ha ha

And on that note... I'm officially feeling HUGE! For real this time.. though I'm sure I'll look back on today and say, "Geez, I wasn't that big.. NOW I'm big!" ha ha I said I had entered the uncomfortable zone before, but I think I was lying and didn't know it.. I'm now uncomfortable.. I've taken to spending a couple of hours a night on the couch... after Phoebe gets up at some ungodly hour to go to the bathroom I can't fall back to sleep.. I usually lay there for about 2 hours before I give up and go lay on the couch.. I sleep there until Tom is about to get up and I go back to bed for about 3 more hours.. At least I'm sleeping I guess.

I just took a bath and much to my disappointment I BARELY fit in there now. There's no use in even bothering now.. When I try to roll over onto my stomach to take pressure off my back my belly hits the bottom of the tub... not comfortable! HA!

We've gotten through two of our 6 birthing/child bringing home.. or whatever classes. I can't remember what they actually call it, but the first three days focuses on birth and the second three days focuses on what to do w/ the baby(ies) when you get it(them) home. :) So far we both feel like some of it has been helpful and other parts are kind of "duh" moments! :) The first day we saw a birth video and it was an "oh these babies have to come out" moment, but the lady's labor was pretty standard.. no drugs and she was fine. :) Yesterday we saw more video of the three stages of labor... we saw the placenta come out.. damn that thing is HUGE and I have TWO.. no wonder I got so big so fast! ha ha I've heard that sometimes twin placentas fuse together.. that should be interesting! :) We also learned and practiced some coping techniques. For those of you that watch a Baby Story or any of those and you see where the couple is kind of slow dancing w/ the woman putting her weight on hubby, well I'm here to tell ya that when you are the same height and super pregnant.. that DOES NOT work! ha We got a good laugh out of that one! Our instructor was teaching us how to breathe through contractions.. I'm now calling her Meg Ryan.. I was almost embarrassed to be in the same room w/ her! She wanted us to practice and I looked at Tom and said, "I AM NOT doing that right now!" ha ha If I was passing in the hallway and didn't know what the class was I would have thought it was a masterbation class not a birth class. I think I'll just wing it when I get there and concentrate on breathing and let it come out sounding however it sounds. HA We also talked about meds in the class and I think I'm more afraid of someone putting a catheter - or whatever - in my spine than I am going through labor - TWICE! I'm pretty sure we are going to opt to use a Spinal if we have to do a C-section after I've labored for a while... I'm hoping to stick to my guns and remember that the pain is temporary (IF baby boy turns and I'm able to labor) and get through it naturally if I can... my main concern w/ not using and epidural was if I had to have an emergency C section I didn't want to have to be knocked out for it. Well, w/ a spinal it's an injection - YES, into your spine - and it's almost immediate. As soon as they give it to you they lay you on the table and get those babies out.. so there is also less chance of the drugs getting to the babies before they are pulled from my body!

Still being flexible about the birth and just going to do whatever is best for the little ones, but it was interesting hearing all the med options.. and watching Tom's face as they described how the epidural works.. he wasn't excited about the whole spinal tap thing either!

Oh, another neat little tid bit of info - the hospital that I'm delivering in uses cloth diapers! I thought that was pretty cool! So the first 3 to 4 days is on them! They wash them.. yippee! :)

Today is 29 weeks.. the weeks are still slipping by though each day seems a bit longer. It's hard to believe that they say 32 weeks is GOOD and anything after that is icing... well geez.. I'm hoping for a good bit of icing then! I'd only be 3 weeks away if I had them at 32 weeks.. that's just NUTS! So I guess technically it could be any day now... though I'm still aiming for June 15th!

We haven't decided how this whole thing is going to go down in respect to contacting everyone.. I suppose it will just depend on how quickly things progress. YOU WILL get a call don't worry... and pictures will be forthcoming.. remember that IF I have a C section I will be in the hospital for 4 days at least.

Keep your fingers crossed that these babies come out healthy and ready to go home. Just say NO to the NICU!

4/14/06 - 28 weeks 1 day

Happy THIRD TRIMESTER to me! :) YEAH! This is a great milestone. Now the babies have a 90% chance of long term health if born at any minute... though I'm sure I have a ways to go! :)

I passed my 1 hour glucose test.. YEAH!! No 3 hour test and I can still eat ice cream.. PHEW! I don't know what I would have done if I had to give up the ice cream! ha ha They said my iron is low so I'm taking an extra supplement now. That must be why I've been craving ice so much and I've been feeling a bit run down during the day! :)

I added photos of my 28 week belly! HERE

It's supposed to be 80 degrees here today.. YEAH!!!! :)

4/12/06 - 27 weeks 6 days

I had an OB appointment today. Drank the sweet sunkist tasting Glucose drink and gave them my blood... I think it will be about a week before I hear whether or not I passed.. I think I did. I also got my Rhogam injection b/c I'm A- (if you are negative they give you a rhogam injection at 28 weeks in case your blood and babies blood mixes during delivery - or something like that).

The doc measured me and I'm measuring at 36 weeks, I've now hit 181lbs for a total weight gain of 37 lbs! Wowza.. and I've still got a ways to go. I told the lady that when she parks the big weight at 200lbs I'll be upset, but until then it's kind of fun to watch the scale go up! ha ha

The doc told me that baby boy is in the 43 percentile - I asked him what this meant and he said that IF I go to term he would weigh around 7lbs or more and that Lily would be around 6lbs 10oz. or so. He said he's predicting that I will go into labor all on my own between 36 and 37 weeks. I'm not convinced... they seem pretty content in there, but we'll just have to wait and see. He said if I got too uncomfortable after that point and wasn't going into labor on my own he would induce me if I WANTED it, but that as long as we are all healthy he's happy to let me go as far as I wish. :) We'll see what happens when/if June 15th comes and goes! He also said that there is no reason to schedule a C-section even if baby boy stays in the position he is in. He said he could turn during labor and that they would do an ultrasound when I showed up at the hospital to see how things were going. I'm happy to hear that. I plan to just play it by ear and won't make any decisions about C-section until I get that ultrasound at the hospital after labor has already started. Of course I reserve the right to change my mind should I hit 38 weeks and am miserable. I'm flexible man! ha ha

So all is well and we are still cooking some healthy, strong, growing babies! :) Now we just need to name that boy and we're good to go!

We start our birth classes tonight (so I guess that's really the last piece) - they are every Wednesday from 6:30 - 9pm (which cuts right into my ice cream time.. :( ) and go for 6 or 8 weeks! AFTER that we'll be READY or as ready as we're going to be! :)

4/11/06 - 27 weeks 5 days

We had our 28 week ultrasound today. It was great to have Tom there with me this time... even though it wasn't as much fun. Last time I got to see the 3D/4D of the babies w/ their heads together. This time we didn't get a 3D/4D and I was feeling too nauseous to even ask! They were moving quite a bit - as usual - so maybe that's why he didn't do it... or maybe it was b/c he seemed nervous that I wasn't feeling well and might pass out on him! ha! :) I did lay on my side most of the time to prevent the nausea, but laying on my back is NO GOOD!

Baby Boy (to be named later) has moved. He is no longer head down! BUMMER! He's got some time to move back so let's hope he does. Right now he has his head over on my left side and his feet over on my right.. known as TRANSVERSE. UGH! If he stays this way I am guaranteed a C-section. I guess the good news is we could just go ahead and schedule it. (though I REALLY want to go into labor naturally and have a vaginal birth) Baby Girl (we're currently practicing calling her Lily to see how that sits.. so far so good) has stayed head down and her feet swing around so she can kick her brother in the face... which she seems to enjoy! :)

Baby Boy is measuring 2lb8oz. and Lily is measuring 2lb6oz. The doc - who has 5 year old twins - said that they are measuring and growing on schedule as if they were singletons. As she said this she had a pained look on her face. I said, "good for them, not so good for me." This just means I could have normally sized babies and thus be huge and miserably uncomfortable as we near the end - provided they stay in there! She also said that I have a "beautiful cervix"... um thanks, and I'm sure you are all glad I shared that info. That means that my body - so far - is perfectly happy to keep those babies inside... this is good news. (ask me again if this is good news when I hit 37 weeks and have NORMAL sized babIES in there!)

The scans didn't come out as clear and nice as they have in the past.. not sure if it was the tech or the different machine. I'll try to get some decent shots of them and post them in the ultrasound folder in "My Photos", but no guarantees.

As I mentioned earlier in the post we are trying "Lily" on for size. We're pretty sure the little girl's name will be Lillian Payton Mount, but the boy's name is eluding us! The latest name we are trying out is Isaac and I don't think either one of us is really attached to it yet.. we'll see. We want his middle name to be Everett after my great Uncle so we're looking for something that works with that. Tom likes the name Everett and I think he would name him Everett, but I'm not excited about calling my child Everett... it works for my 80-something Uncle, but I have a hard time calling a child that.. I don't know.. we'll see where this takes us. Thomas is always an option! Ha Ha Just kidding! Tom has vetoed any Jr's and I think it's time for me to put the name Tom to rest for my family! ha!

4/8/06 - HAPPY SPRING!

Ah.. the plants are budding if not bluming.. the grass is green again and sometimes the sun even shines! Here are some pics of Phoebe and us on the porch enjoying some Vitamin D from the sun along w/ a funny pic of my belly... hmm.. looks like my face might be a bit puffy huh? ha ha

4/6/06 - 27 weeks

THREE MONTHS UNTIL MY DUE DATE! AHHH!

I've officially entered the "uncomfortable zone"... I was feeling so big and uncomfortable last night. No matter how I sat/ layed I just couldn't get comfortable. It took me about 30 mins (that's pretty quick for me these days) to fall asleep. Then I woke up at 4am to let the dog out.. went back to bed.. got hungry/nauseous, got back up to eat something and go to the bathroom, couldn't get comfy and was still kinda nauseous .. got up AGAIN for some water thinking maybe that was the problem. Went back to bed still unable to get comfortable and the babies were moving around like crazy. I think I finally got back to sleep around 6am. Then woke up at 8:30am when Tom left for work and felt naseous/hungry again and had to get up to eat again. This is all after having had a bowl of cereal at 10pm to try to avoid the hunger in the middle of the night. Guess I need to eat more during the day.. these kids are obviously going through a growth spurt. UGH! I can always feel baby lumps now and their kicks/punches/rolls reverberate through my abdomen. I swear the boy kicked yesterday and rocked the bed! ha This could go on for another 10 to 13 weeks.. EEE GADS!

This might explain why I feel so ENORMOUS!


I added some photos of the house... to show mom's work! I still have a bit of work to do upstairs before I'll be ready to post pics of the bedrooms and office, but I'll get there! :) You can view the photos by clicking HERE.

4/5/06 - 26 weeks 6 days

Okay.. I dropped mom off at the airport yesterday and she made it home safely. All I can say is THANK GOD she came. We... I mean to say SHE.. got so much done while she was here. The nursery is complete - you can view photos by clicking HERE. It looks fabulous. I had no idea what we were going to do when she first got here then we were at Home Depot on one of the first days and were looking at paint. I picked a green and a blue that I liked... held them together and said, "how about stripes w/ a white stipe in between?" and a day later it was done! WOW! Now that's efficient! We shopped till we dropped - both at the Moms of Multiples sale and various other locations like Target, WalMart, Baby Depot and SAMs. I think we have all that we need to be prepared for the babies arrival!

Mom also finished painting our living room and dining room and took all the old door knobs off upstairs and polished them - I can't believe how much they sparkle now. I'll post pictures of that AFTER I clean up all of MY crap - not to be confused w/ any of Tom's crap because most, if not all, of it is mine! UGH! I'm a very messy marvin!

I'm still feeling pretty good and was able to take breaks as I needed them. We have another ultrasound next Tuesday and I've been changed to OB appts every two weeks - I feel like this post is moderately redundant.. if it is.. my apologies! I'll update again after my ultrasound next week! :)

3/29/06 - 25 weeks 5 days

Had another OB appointment the other day and still all is well. I only gained 2 lbs in the last 2 weeks... I was surprised.. I'm used to my 8lb gain in a month. The doc said I was doing just fine. My running total now is 32 lbs! She said they wanted at a minimum 35 lbs (guess I'll hit that just fine), but more in the range of 45 to 55lbs. I'm on my way! :) HA HA

The babies heart rates sounded good.. though it took a bit longer the find them. I think they may have flipped to a breech position b/c of the kicks I'm getting - or their location rather. Baby girl's heartrate was 167 and baby boy's was 143. Now they are in line w/ the old wives tale.

My mom has been out for almost a week now and we have been working away to get ready for these little ones. She's in there slaving away in the nursery right now as I take a break - translation stop standing, bending and sitting on the floor. She painted the blue and green we picked out and we bought a crib and bedding set. It's looking VERY cute (and kind of easter eggish) in there! HA HA It's quite different from the dark colors in the rest of our house, but it's fun and I think it will last through toddlerhood! Once we get everything mostly situated in there I'll post some pictures. We picked up some wood at Home Depot today to make some more shelves and changing platform for the closet... I won't be partaking in any shelf building! :)

I worked the Moms of Multiples sales on Saturday - more work than I've done since quitting my job - damn was I tired at the end of that day! Mom came and shopped for a while, but ended up spending most of her time at Burger King and McDonalds - the sale took place in a VERY small town just north of here called Waunakee ... she looked for a Starbucks, but they don't have one! ha ha I got some GREAT stuff including a Pack N Play, Snap N Go (stroller), a swing, a bouncy seat (along w/ a bonus free bouncy seat that a lady gave me), a twin nursing pillow, crib sheets and mattress pad, many odds and ends and tons of clothes for 0-3 months and 3-6 months. It was all quite the score and totally worth a day of work. I got all of that for what it would have cost me to buy just the Pack N Play and the Snap N Go new!

Mom also finished painting the living room and helped put together the Pack N Play where the babies will spend most of their time during the day. We've (mostly she) have accomplished more in the 5 days she has been here than I've managed to accomplish since I moved here in November! :) Next she is going to paint the dining room and install dimmer switches in both the dining room and the nursery... damn Grandma's are handy huh? :)

We're getting close and I'm very excited and thankful that Mom came out to do most of it!

And one last thing... I have to brag on Tom. He got a raise!!! :) It's great to have him working for people that appreciate his hard work and know how to show their appreciation!

3/18/06 - Seattle Shower

Lynda and Larry put on a fabulous shower for Tom and I while we were visiting Seattle. We are both so blessed and loved to have had almost FORTY people attend! It was great fun to see everyone and share my big belly - everyone was so sweet to say.. "you don't look at BIG as I thought you would!" ha ha

We got a ton of beautiful baby stuff - you can check out the loot under the "My Photos" link at the bottom left of the front page!

It was wonderful to be back in Seattle for a while and to feel the love and excitement of our friends and family over our coming attractions! It was funny - as people left the shower Tom generally got a hand shake while I got a "good luck w/ that" along w/ a gesture toward my belly! :)

Thank you to everyone that came to the shower - we are so lucky to have you all in our lives!

3/14/05 23weeks 5 days

My ultrasound went really well today! The babies are both measuring right on schedule and are both 1lb 7oz. So I guess they are sharing and getting along so far. I added pictures to the photo album. We got 3D pics of both babies today! Their heads are both down low and really close together so when we were looking at them with 3D it looked like baby boy was kissing his sister's head, though I'm pretty sure her head is just resting on his face. This explains why he pushes her a lot. When the tech was trying to get a 3D shot of the girl she was holding her hands in front of her face - it looked like she had already learned to block punches from her brother! :) It was so amazing to see them in there in 3D. I always thought the 3D was really over rated, but it is pretty exciting and special to see them as they may look. I'm still not convinced that they are all that accurate as to how the babies actually look when they come out... I guess time will tell.

All looked good with me too. They checked my cervix.. tight as a vice. And checked on a low laying placenta - it looks like the edge of the placenta is right up against my cervix, but the doc is pretty convinced it will move up over time. It's the anterior (on the front) placenta so as my belly expands - and it IS expanding - it will pull the placenta up higher. Worst case if it doesn't move I will have to have a C Section - which I already have a 50/50 % chance of having. I'm still hoping for a vaginal delivery, but when it comes down to it.. it's not really about me anymore!

All of a sudden I am really enjoying this pregnancy. It's not that I didn't enjoy it before - it was just something that was happening to my body. Now I think the reality of it is settling in and I find myself tearing up just thinking about my two little miracles in there. To think of all that it takes to make one perfect little baby, much less two. I think feeling them so much helps too! And the hormones certainly contribute to my tearfulness! I can't wait for the day we get to meet them and hold them and kiss them.

I'm ready to start getting this house ready - surely I'm not nesting already. I'm just enjoying the prospect of them being here! I'll post pictures of the nursery - and the rest of the house - after mom comes and works her magic. :)

3/13/06 23 weeks 4 days

My OB appt went as they usually do.. nothing alarming! :) I've officially gained 30 lbs! Oh my GOODNESS!!! The good news is I don't feel like I've gained 30lbs! I'm at 174 now! I'm measuring at about 30 weeks (comparison to if I was carrying only one - not sure why they do this) My heartrate was normal (for me, for pregnancy) and the babies heartrates sounded good.. baby boy was 156 and baby girl was 152.

So all is well. I start going every two weeks now and in four weeks I have to do the gestational diabetes test.. Blechk. I've heard nasty things about that test... tastes bad, have to fast and get light headed and nauseous.. sounds like fun! haha Hopefully I will pass and won't have to do the three hour test!

I'll update tomorrow after my ultrasound as to baby stats! :)

3/12/06 23 weeks 3 days

I made my first baby purchase!!!

I guess I've finally started to feel like this is really happening.. strange to say w/ my large belly! ha ha

I have been looking into clothe diapering - it's an overwhelming topic to say the least!!! I found a great little store here in Madison called Happy Bambino - www.happybambino.com - they have wonderful FREE classes!!! Today I attended Cloth Diapering 101 and the Art of Babywearing! The clothe diapering class really helped to cut through all the enormous amounts of information and gave me a pretty good idea of what I needed to get started and what I would need to do to care for the diapers. I'm really interested in this for a lot of reasons namely (and not necessarily in order of importance) cost, environment and toxins on my babies skin. It will certainly be an adjustment / learning curve to get in the swing of things w/ this as it will be more high maintanence than disposable diapering, but I am determined to make it work. This is not to say that I don't plan to have a stash of newborn disposables on hand in the beginning in case things get overwhelming here and there. Thankfully I will have help for the first three months.. thanks mom and dad -- Dad.. you choose - change diapers or wash them.. ha ha :)

So I took the plunge! I bought the little store out of prefold diapers!!! They are going to call me when their next shipment comes in (soon) to purchase the last bunch I need. I'll be using prefolds and covers in the beginning.. there are many MUCH cuter and MUCH more expensive options, but this will get me going! :) I'm washing the diapers right now so I am committed.. there is no turning back.

I know this will be what is best for my baby and best for the environment.. not to mention our pocket book. I THINK I discussed this with Tom already.. uh, but I'm not sure! ha ha Hopefully he will agree w/ me that the added hassle getting used to it in the beginning is worth it!

Here are some links to clothe diapering website if you feel so inclined. You will not be tested and few of you will ever even change the diapers yourself. :)

Cotton Babies
Diaper Pages
Natural Babies

I also bought (well had to order) a baby pouch! It's from Kangaroo Korner. It's a fleece pouch - yes I realize my babies are due in July... the fleece holds up better to weight and resists stretching.. in the beginning we will be spending most of our time in climate controlled areas. The lady at the store said that her experience has been that these are better for twins. When they get older I may invest in a ring sling to carry them individually, but this will get me started!

I also purchased some used baby clothes at about $2 to $2.50 each - SCORE!!

All told I'm very excited about my purchases .. 1) because it's fun and 2) because that means I'm obviously feeling the reality behind this.. FINALLY!

I've also got some stuff that I borrowed from friends - most of it from Mrs. Julie Sweet (thanks Sweet's). I borrowed a co-sleeper, 2 boppys, a bjorne, many maternity clothes, a changing pad, books and a baby einstein play mat. So I've got some stuff. :) Karen is also sending me her two car seats (a HUGE savings) and some other odds and ends she has around the house. (Thank you!!!)

My mom is going to come out to Madison after I return from Seattle and my shower. I will then know what I need to go out to buy myself to be ready for these babies! We are getting closer! By the time mom leaves I hope to have things mostly if not all set up and ready to go so that I can sit back and cook some babies! By that point I will be almost 28 weeks and will - I imagine - be pretty big and not too mobile. I will be in the home stretch and my main job/concern will be to keep these rascals in as long as I possibly can... every day counts!

I'm very excited about my trip to Seatlle so that I can see everyone and so that all those that helped us through the process to get where we are today can see my big belly - and maybe a few baby kicks - to share in the joy that we are feeling! Thank you all so much for the shower... it means a lot to us!

No pictures right now - Tom is in Taiwan and will be meeting me in Seattle - so I haven't taken any. I will update the photo album after my return from Seattle. I have an OB appt tomorrow and another ultrasound on Tuesday.. I will try to get some new photos of them in the album.

2/28/06 - 21 weeks 5 days

They are already trying to escape!!!

I was sitting on the couch last night and got a good kick. I told Tom that I think you could have SEEN that one. He told me to lift my shirt and we proceeded to watch the babies do the samba in my belly. After they calmed down a bit Tom walked away and I got one good kick or punch in my lower abdomen - it looked like our little girl was trying to escape!!! I can't imagine what it's going to look like when they are older ... it will really look like they are trying to break out of there!

I can't decide what is more fun.. watching my belly move or feeling it with my hand. That came so fast.. I didn't think we would be able to see it for quite some time yet.

Only 4 more months.. AHHH!!! Who sped up the clock?

2/27/06 - 21 weeks 4 days

We have movement!

I felt some little tap taps from the outside for the first time on Saturday Feb. 18th. We were up late talking and I had my hand resting on my tummy when (the girl I believe) I got a few quick kicks. It's been sporadic since then, but seems to be getting more frequent... especially when I lay down and relax for a while. Still no good wallups, but I'm sure they are coming! :)

The trip to SC was good. I was nervous about flying - I know it's fine, but I still worry and I think a lot more about my morality then I ever have before. A lot of people looked at my belly, but no one jumped up to help me on my flight out. I lugged my own bag around and even lifted it into the overhead myself... nice gentlemen on my flight! ha ha I've decided that I am for sure checking my bag when I go to Seattle! :) I had a layover in Detroit and all I have to say is thank goodness for the moving sidewalks! I can't walk too far before my stomach starts to contract and I'm supposed to take it easy so I would just jump on the moving sidewalk and stand for a while - yes I felt like a loser, but oh well!

My friend's response when she picked me up was - YOU'RE HUGE! Ha ha Thanks!

We spent our weekend relaxing and eating.. both work for me. After I felt the babies move all I wanted to do was sit around with my hand on my tummy! :) The girls surprised me and had a shower for me.. so sweet! It was fun to get some pink and blue stuff and got me closer to the reality that I really am pregnant and this is going to result in TWO babies! :)

On my trip back one woman took an interest in my well being and offered to let me go ahead of her and then helped me get my bag down when we were deplaning! I won't lie - it was nice! :)

Two days after I returned from SC Jennie came out from Seattle to visit. It was so nice to have a little piece of Seattle here with me and to have someone to hang around with! :) We spent a couple of days here in Madison really just checking out local coffee shops then we headed to Chicago on Saturday and stayed over night. We were hoping Julie and Todd would be able to come up, but they are still nursing themselves back to health so it was just Jennie and I. :) I can't walk very far and Jennie is less than excited to walk around in the cold so we were quite a pair touring the big city. .. along w/ the fact that we had some clueless moments that made us feel like country bumpkins! We ate some good food and toured around Michigan Avenue.. Jennie scored a great hotel right on the Ave.

I was sad when she left.. my little piece of Seattle.. my friend! That's when it hit me that ... Oh wow.. I live in Wisconsin!!! Why it took so many months to figure that out I'm not sure. This is permanent! We could be here a while.. AHHH!!!! I'm okay.. and we'll be fine, but damn did that hit me like a ton of bricks! ha ha I'm blaming it on the pregnancy hormones! :)

It also dawned on me that these babies will be here in just over 4 months.. AHH.. how did that happen? I was looking forward to getting home from Seattle and relaxing.. as my girth increases my movement becomes more limited!! Then I realized I would just be waiting for babies.. then I realized.. oh CRAP.. I'll only have a little over 3 months to wait by that time! I've done NOTHING to prepare! ha ha

Here is my 21 week picture! :) Jennie swears I grew even in the short time she was here.. those babies are packing it on in there!

2/15/06 19 weeks 6 days - the BIG ultrasound

The ultrasound went great.. it was so much fun to see those little babies in there squirming around. They really did put on a show for us!!

They looked at Baby A first and all the while Baby B stayed in it's little corner, but when it was time to check out Baby B, Baby A started punching Baby B in the face as if to say, "hey, I'm the star of this show, come back over here."

They were moving a ton, but gave the u/s tech everything she needed.. 20 fingers and toes! :) We saw the four chambers of both hearts, their little tummys and bladders.. their kidneys... well EVERYTHING! It took about 1.5 hours and about 20 mins in I felt like I was going to pass out! Thankfully the tech let me kind of lay on my side and all was well after...

And of course the genders...we are BLESSED to be having one of each.. one perfect little boy and one perfect little girl! We are thrilled.

When she said Baby A is a boy I started thinking... "would I do this again just to try for a girl?" then when she showed that Baby B is a girl I GASPED - literally out loud - and almost cried. I'm so happy! We've waited so long and I guess I was just hesitant to think that we would get exactly what we wanted... though I would be happy with whatever.. this is perfect! :)

Hopefully now we can move on from the names Jimothy and Bobert (sorry Tom) and get serious about naming these little ones!

Here's some pictures of my ALMOST 20 weeks belly!

2/14/06 19 weeks 5 days

Happy Valentines Day!

I'm back from the OB.. and thankfully we heard two nice strong heartbeats... one at 160 and one at 156. I weighed in at 166lbs (GASP!) that makes for a total weight gain of 22 lbs (DOUBLE GASP!) ... guess I will have no problem hitting that 24lbs by 24 weeks huh? I'll post a picture tomorrow so you can see for yourself!

I asked the doc about the sharp burning pain I have been getting at the top of my belly just to the left and she said it's normal. It's a ligament that holds my liver in place getting stretched by my belly growth. The good news is it goes away almost instantly after the babies are born.

I also asked her about some contractions I've been getting if I walk to far.. she said that I'm at the point in the pregnancy where I'm going to have to really listen to my body and scale back when that happens. She said the real critical point will come between 24 and 28 weeks. I'll need to really scale back and take it easy during that month because of my risk for preterm labor (because of the twins) and that if the babies were delivered during that month technology could keep them alive, but it's hard to say what the quality of that life would be. So after my trip to Seattle - I'll be 24.5 weeks when I return - I will be RELAXING! :)

Everything went well and I can't wait to see the little buggers tomorrow. They were moving around a lot while the nurse was using the doppler so now I know what it really does feel like to feel them move.. GAS! ha ha

I'm sticking w/ my guess of two boys and Tom is sticking w/ his guess/hope of one of each. I have no real reasoning behind my guess.. well I guess the lowish heartrates makes me think boy... and the fact that we THINK we saw a penis.. and since their heartrates are so close together all the time the old wives tale would indicate the same gender.. ha ha

2/13/06 - 19 weeks 4 days!

Only two more days until my big ultrasound! Keep your fingers crossed that the babies cooperate this time! :) I haven't taken a belly shot in a while. I'll take one on Wednesday to post with the results of my ultrasound!

I took a trip down to see Julie, Todd and Cooper this past week. It was so nice to see them and to take a look around thier new home. Cooper has gotten so big and is looking like a little boy now! I can't believe he will be a year old next month! Where has the time gone? He's crawling like a mad man and walking with assistance from mom and dad or his new walking toy. He's babbling quite a bit and I'm sure his first words are coming soon! The poor little guy was sick when I first got there and the Sweet family has taken a beating in the health department since Cooper started day care! Ceanne (Grandma C) came over to the Sweet house and watched Cooper on Thursday to give him a break from day care and it seemed to work wonders. By the time I left on Sunday he was getting pretty cleared out and seemed in good spirits. Hopefully he can hold onto his health this week at day care. I took my camera, but didn't get any shots of the little guy... though you can check some out at www.sweetsinseattle.com

Right before I went down to visit Todd took Jack to the vet because of a major nose bleed and they discovered that he had a tumor in his nasal cavity that was pressing on his brain. Jack has been feeling anxious and disoriented since the move. The vet said that they could do 20 days of radiation then maybe have Jack around for another year. Of course there are no guarantees as to how quality Jack's life would have been. Todd and Julie made the difficult decision to put Jack out of his misery and send him to doggy heaven. He was put down on Friday 2/10/06. I'm thankful that I got to spend some time with him before he had to go. I took this photo of him (he's not so keen on having his picture taken) the day he went to the vet.


In loving memory of Jack.

I'm feeling good... tired, but good. I'm excited for my ultrasound and will post back on Wednesday with pictures and updates!

1/26/06 - 17 weeks - You are REALLY showing now!

The nausea happened two days in a row so I now have a bucket of cashews and a bottle of water by my bed. I can snack on them when I get up for my numerous potty breaks. This morning no nausea... it was great!

We took new photos today and Tom's response was, "Oh, you are really starting to show now." Translation: Damn girl that belly is getting HUGE! ha ha This statement came after he had just taken a photo of me with my shirt down... apparently he needed the CLOSE look at my belly to make the HUGE assessment! j/k He's very cute about the belly thing! He just tries to be careful not to use the words "large", "big" or "huge" when refering to anything to do with my body... because he's smart!

Here is the photo: (I also added it to the photo album if you want to compare to my last photo)

1/24/06 - 16 weeks 5 days

The nausea gets me when I think I'm getting past it. This morning I woke up and while I was in the bathroom it hit hard.. I had to eat and I had to eat NOW! I don't think I ate enough last night. I had to crawl around the kitchen getting a bowl and cereal boxes and milk from the fridge. I ate the first couple of bites while I was sitting on the floor until I could get up and add my banana then go about my merry way.. oh speaking of I need to go take my vitamins.. no way was I doing that this a.m. I'm feeling much better now!

I think I started to feel the babies last night. I'm still not sure. I feel a bubbling sensation, but it's much lower in my pelvis than I thought it would be. Last night I felt it mostly after I uncrossed my legs so I thought maybe I was cutting off blood supply and would feel the blood returning when I uncrossed my legs. So I've been much more conscious and haven't been crossing my legs. I've been feeling it a lot today. It only lasts a couple of seconds - maybe the babies turning around - I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to wait it out to see what develops.

My friend Suzanne gave me a changing pad and it got dropped in the dining room when I got home. Earlier today I was on the computer and heard something crunching around. I looked up to see Phoebe doing circles on the pad to make herself comfortable. She plopped down and lay there for a while... she either thinks it's for her or she just wanted to lay by the heating vent in the same room as me... here's a pic of her saying "WHAT? You're the one that put it on the floor!" haha

1/20/05 - 16 weeks 1day

Okay I called and made my appointment for my Level II ultrasound. Much to my disappointment they wait until you are 20 weeks - or close anyway. I scheduled it for Feb. 15th - another month. Darn it! Those little rascals.

I'm excited to know they are moving so much and now when I lay down I try to be real still and quiet and just feel for them to see if maybe I can feel it, but don't recognize it. So far nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe they are causing my upset stomach! ha ha A motion sickness feeling from all that rocking around perhaps? ha ha probably not!

So far an uneventful pregnancy - which is great!!! - I always feel so lame during the part of my OB appointments where I talk to the doctor because so far I really don't have any questions and aside from measuring 24 weeks when I'm only 16 weeks there is nothing out of the ordinary. :) Though that's not really out of the ordinary with twins! ha ha

I suppose I can just keep praying that my pregnancy continues to be this "uneventful" for the rest of the term! We talked more about Csection vs. vaginal delivery and he said a twin pregnancy has a 50% chance of Csection... going beyond just how the babies are positioned. He said that when the uterus gets stretched out that much it doesn't work as effectively to push the babies out. It essentially looses some of it's strength. Despite that I'm still hoping for a vaginal birth... time will tell.

1/19/06 - Darn It! - 16 weeks

I went to my OB appt today and the doc told me that their ultrasound tech was out. I told him I was bummed b/c I was hoping to find out the genders. He said, "Well, let's go see what we can see."

He put the ultrasound on my belly and saw TWO VERY ACTIVE babies! He said, "wow those babies are active, good luck with that!" ha ha Though I can't feel them moving around in there just yet I bet it's only a matter of time until they are keeping me up nights!

He gave it a valiant evfort, but just couldn't get the money shot. At one point during a side view of baby B (I think it was B) we thought we saw a boy part. The doc said he couldn't be 100% sure. I was surpisingly relieved to see at least one penis.

So there you have it.. there MIGHT be a boy in there.. and there might not. My next appt will be my Level II ultrasound where they do an indepth look at each baby measuring everything and looking for kidney function etc. We should be able to find out at that appt. I have to wait until tomorrow to schedule it - I go to a different place for that one.

Anyway here is my 16 week belly shot.

1/13/06 - 15 weeks 1 day

Things are going pretty well lately. I'm in the "FEED ME NOW" phase. I have to stay on top of it or it gets ugly. I learned this the hard way the other day. I was doing something... getting hungry and didn't want to stop AGAIN to eat so I kept working. Well, not too shortly later I was nauseous and shakey. I went into the kitchen and threw together a taco salad as quickly as I could then had to force myself to eat it with out puking because I KNEW I needed to eat. I ended up having to lay down for a while to get through it. Next time.. eat when you are hungry or your body will get back at you! :)

I'm having cravings here and there and Tom is being a champ about entertaining them. Last night I REALLY wanted egg rolls and hot and sour soup. Even though Tom leaves on Monday to go to Asia AGAIN.. he still let me pick up crappy american chinese food when he's got over a week of it to look forward to.. well he gets the good actual chinese food, but whatever. Don't worry to those that might be concerned (aka Mom) I'm still eating really well - with the occasional indulgence! :) Frankly I seem to be eating better by default because sweets aren't as appealing. I thin of them then it just makes me feel sick. I do have the occasional sweet - usually ice cream - and hey at least that has calcium! ha ha It's hard to stay creative and get the variety I need when it seems that I am ALWAYS having to figure out what I'm going to eat! ha I'm eating more meat than I think I've ever eaten in my life.. protein is a must.. and it's what I like right now... along with fruit - I guess that's sweet huh? :)

And here is what the normal evening looks like:


I relax a lot, but I am trying to get out for a walk with Phoebe at least every other day - doing okay with that - and my prenatal yoga class started last Tuesday. It's only once a week, but I think it's going to go a long way to help me with strength and flexibility and most important LABOR!!

Only 6 more days until my next ultrasound where they are going to try to see the genders... I can't wait. I feel like it will make this feel that much more real! Then I can start really thinking nursery, shower(s) and baby names!

1/7/06 - 14 weeks 2 days

I’m really feeling the weight of the babies in my abdomen now and when I lay on my back they don’t just sink into my back… they continue to poke out for all to see. My uterus has stretched up to my belly button already and I took a picture at 14 weeks to send to Lynda and my parents and was shocked at how huge I looked. I think it’s just the shirt and the angle though!

1/3/06 - 13 weeks 5 days

We went down to Houston to see my parents for Christmas and New Years. Though I wouldn’t want to live in Houston because of it’s size and the expanse and sprawl of it, it was fantastic to be down there in the winter. The weather was in the 70s/80s the entire time and the sun was always shining. It was great to see mom and dad and to spend time with Aunt Susan, Tom (Susan’s Tom), Aunt Cheryl, Amanda and Stephanie. I really didn’t want to come home. I missed Phoebe, but dreaded the weather and the dry heat. I wasn’t dried out once in Houston. I thought this whole time that my headaches were pregnancy related, but I think they are more dry heat related than anything else. L

They surprised me with a 30^th Birthday party. I had asked Tom is we were going to have cake for my birthday and he said he didn’t think we were doing anything special. I thought we would probably do something … like maybe go to dinner and a movie. We arrived in Houston on December 24^th and as soon as I got off the plane all I could think about was eating dinner. I asked if there was a good place to get fajitas and mom said she had fixed something for us to eat at home – that should have tipped me off – ha ha. We got to the house and Tully was all squeaky and excited to see me that I spent some time in the kitchen fussing over him. Dad walked into the living room and said, “Come look at this room.” I thought he was just starting “the tour” so I went in with my head up looking at the vaulted ceiling. I looked down and saw a table full of food – still didn’t think much – then I looked over to see what dad was doing and Aunt Susan, Tom, Aunt Cheryl, Amanda and Stephanie were standing there and said surprise. Ha ha … they got me! We sat and had a nice meal and some GREAT cake. Mom and dad gave me a shopping spree for maternity clothes and Tom gave me some Godiva chocolates – later he gave me a pair of diamond earrings and said he didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable in front of everyone. J It was so nice to have my birthday honored right around Christmas and to sit around and catch up with everyone with some good food.

Everyone came over again for Christmas the next night and we all played Trivial Pursuit – The mom’s were the “AARP” team, the girls were the “dumbasses”, and the Tom’s were, well “the Tom’s”. As expected the Tom’s cleaned house and the Dumbasses didn’t know many answers. Come on the thing was made in 1981. Stephanie was born that year. Cheryl made a beautiful baby quilt – she said she made it before she knew it was twins and she would make a new one before they were born. It was so sweet. She also crocheted a baby blanket for me when I was born – mom is going to bring that one with her when she comes out for the summer.

We spent the week taking it easy and seeing the sites in Houston... we ate some great meals out – much better than the food in Madison – we did our Maternity shopping and Tom and I had to buy a luggage set – which we needed – to get everything home. We went to Kemah – a boardwalk – one day and Stephanie joined us because Amanda and her mom are both working and she’s off from school. It was nice to get out and see some water again – I miss Seattle.

It was the first trip I can remember with my parents where I didn’t once get annoyed with either one of them. I’m not sure if it’s easier for me to spend time in their space instead of having them in my space or if I’m just getting older. We had a lot of fun and remarked that this was the last “calm” holiday we would have in a while. Next year shouldn’t be too bad… crying babies, feeding and changing diapers, but the next Christmas at 1.5 years… we’ll have our hands full.

This is my second full day back in Wisconsin and I’m struggling. I’m trying really hard to stay positive. I woke up with my usual dry eyes, dry mouth, dry nose and headache. I hate that feeling. I’m extremely bored and really need to meet some people before I loose my mind. There are tons of things I could be doing around the house – I really want to paint, but I know I shouldn’t. I lack the motivation to start trying to figure out how to do some crafty things around here. I was going to ask mom to come and visit while Tom is in Asia – again – in a couple of weeks, but didn’t want to ask her to come and endure the winter she just escaped from. Maybe she can come up for a different one of Tom’s trips.

Tom goes to Asia January 15^th and I’m not sure if this will be a one or two week trip – then he goes to California in February and back to Asia in March for two weeks – It’s even worse for me when he’s gone. I try not to get bitter – he moves me here to the frozen tundra then he’s gone for most of it. It’s going to be worse when the kids are here. I’m getting out of dodge in February to go to SC for about 5 days then to Seattle for at least a week in March – maybe two – we’ll see.

I’m still feeling REALLY hungry all the time. I know it’s a good thing, but food rules my life! Ha ha Those little ones are growing like weeds in there – they’ll go from about 1.5 inches to four inches by January 19^th. I can’t wait to see them again. The doctor said we will try to find out the gender. I am excited to find out what they are! I also can’t wait to start to feel them move – signs of life! I’m showing a bit more and am wearing maternity clothes exclusively. I tried to put on a regular top while I was in Houston and I looked like a stuffed sausage. Along with clothes I had to buy new bras – again. This time I bought maternity bras and I am much more comfortable.

I’m going to go for a walk today – it’s in the 30s today so I better take advantage of the “warm” weather while I have it!

12/10/05 - 10 weeks 2 days

This has been my first week in Madison without Tom. I had a rough start. On Monday I was feeling fine and started worrying about the babies. I’ve heard so many horror stories about going back for your second ultrasound and finding out the babies stopped developing at 9 weeks… which coincidentally I was. Of course as soon as I start to worry and wish I had morning sickness it comes with a vengeance. On Tuesday I was mildly ill and had a – not too bad – headache. That night my headache was so bad that I couldn’t really sleep then when I woke up at 3am I had to practically crawl downstairs to get some cereal because I felt so hungry and sick. The worrying has already begun. I spent the last week trying to make myself get up and do something. Every time I thought about getting up and cleaning I felt a wave of nausea – psychosomatic? I did finally get out of the house yesterday for a walk and it was really nice. It was 12 degrees out and I’m glad I made myself get out. I had to shovel the driveway that morning and was already all suited up. I took Phoebe for a walk and she only made a block and a half before she was picking up her little frozen feet! Poor thing!

I bought my first pair of maternity pants yesterday. My belly is poking out and sitting in a regular pair of pants is getting too uncomfortable… the whole unbuttoning my pants in public is bound to backfire eventually. I bought some jeans and they are great! I also bought a pair of black pants and a shirt I can wear to the Christmas party at Tom’s office next week. It’s pretty cute – you can actually see my belly!

12/2/05 - 9 weeks 1 day

When I woke up this morning I didn’t feel sick at all and it made me nervous. I think I’m more nervous since the ultrasound than I was before. Maybe because before the first ultrasound I had no physical proof that there was an actual baby in there and now that I’ve seen those two beautiful heartbeats I’m crazy about not letting anything happen to them. Thankfully the morning sickness did come on so I feel better! :)

12/1/05 - 9 weeks

Last night I discovered that I’m a bit more concerned with Tom’s mortality these days. I couldn’t find him last night. It was about 6:30pm and he wasn’t home from work yet. I had called his office number at 5:45pm and he hadn’t answered so I assumed he was on his way home – on his bike in the dark, but when 6:30pm rolled around and he still wasn’t home I got worried so I called his cell phone – no answer. Okay… he could be on his bike and unable to hear his phone. I called his office phone again. Nothing. I called his cell again and he answered. I asked where he was he said the office. I said it’s 6:30pm, he said, I’m in a meeting. Fine and I hung up. At least he was okay. I found myself wondering what I would do if he was gone! Here I am in a city where I know no one pregnant with twins. Then I started to wonder if the twins would survive through the stress and mourning. They HAVE to survive. Then I thought… okay I couldn’t stay here – though the house would take forever to sell. Would I go to Houston or Seattle. Seattle is more like my home, but I would think I would want to be by family for support and help with the pregnancy and the babies. Great… now I’m a drama queen on top of everything. Tom came home just fine and I asked him to tell me in the future when he is going to be late.

11/30/05 - 8 weeks 6 days

Oh my God! It’s twins!!!! We had our first ultrasound on Monday 11/28/05 and as soon as she put the wand in I could see two sacs. I started laughing right away and couldn’t stop! I’m still in utter disbelief… okay not disbelief… maybe denial! J Very early on I thought it was twins… assumed by the numbers and hey if one worked they both probably did, right? Then when my morning sickness wasn’t horrendous and my stomach didn’t start poking out right away I thought maybe it was a singleton. I certainly wasn’t surprised to see twins, but still confused, scared… can I do this… with two? Do I have the patience? I keep thinking about little things like getting out of the house. I can’t just toss the baby in a Bjorne and head out … there will be TWO of them!!! They don’t make a double Bjorne!!! Walking in the back door when we got back it occurred to me that it would be a tough fit with one baby seat, but two!!!! How can one person carry TWO anyway!!! What will I do when it’s below freezing next winter?? Leave one outside while I bring the other in! AHHH!!! I’m so excited at the same time! It will be such and adventure! I can’t wait to see how they interact together and to see what the future holds for them! We’ll have double the cost and double the struggle, but we’ll have double the fun too!!! Breastfeeding two? Oh geez… I’m going to be like a feed station. I saw a woman at the grocery store just trying to check out with her ONE two year old son trying to run around the store. I wanted to say, “hey lady, that’s nothing... imagine if there was another one running in the other direction.” It almost made me laugh out loud… and that made me feel a bit insane already! How do you corral two of them while trying to do normal things? Will I have to either hire a babysitter to go to the store or wait for Tom to get home and go at night!? I know we’ll work it out and I know we’ll have fun with it... most of the time… it’s just overwhelming to think about!

We’ll be so special… I’ll be special when I’m big and HUGE carrying two babies in me!!! I’m excited for that! J Ha Ha!!!

I’m 8 weeks and 6 days today. It was amazing and a huge relief to see the ultrasound and see that they were measuring right on track. Their heartbeats were nice and strong – 182 and 169. It still feels as if we were looking at someone else’s ultrasound and I have to look at the picture with my name on it everyday to remind myself that they are indeed mine and I am indeed carrying them… just in case the morning sickness doesn’t confirm that for me! I do worry a little bit each day… are they still okay in there? I wish I could see them again! I wish I could feel their little hearts beating so that I would know all is well. I can’t wait to feel the first movement! I’m trying to remain calm and trust. I know that it is out of my hands now, all I can do is take good care of myself and get plenty of rest. I love them so much already and they are only 2.24 centimeters (just under an inch) big! By the end of this month they will be around 2 ½ to 3 inches big!! They are going to grow a lot!

Right now I have a bit of nausea all day long… which I don’t mind because, like I said, it’s an indicator that things are moving along. If I for a moment feel normal I have a moment of panic then remind myself that it will be here soon enough… and like clockwork it shows up. It was worst mid-morning when it first hit now it’s worst at night. Thankfully I’ve only barfed a couple of times. I am really exhausted most of the time. Going out into the world to shop or to the coffee shop to check my email – my only two real outings these days – wears me out. I could take a nap right now for sure. I’m still sleeping really well though I do get up once or twice a night to go to the bathroom. It’s super cold – well 60 degrees – at night, but I still wake up burning up a couple of times a night. Okay, that doesn’t sound like great sleep, but I know it’s better than what I will be getting in the near future. J Not to mention the not too distant future of spending my nights nurturing not one, but two babies! Ha ha J (I wish there was an insane emoticon!)

Tom is nervous mostly about getting through the pregnancy that results in a healthy mom and babies. He realizes that there is more potential for complications with a multiple pregnancy. I’m hoping to carry the babies close to term (32 wks at minimum) and not have to go on bed rest. I’m just going to take it slow and rest when I need to and hope my body can sustain the pregnancy. I’m going to sign up for a prenatal yoga class really soon! I wish it was either not super cold out… it’s only 20 something today and I know it’s just going to get COLDER. It’s hard for me to get motivated at all to go outside and walk already… it’s just going to get worse. I’ve thought about joining a gym just so I can go walk on their treadmill. That’s probably not a bad idea.

My next ultrasound is about three weeks away – the good news is that with a twin pregnancy (oh my God did I just say that… I’M having twins!) you are monitored more closely which means more ultrasounds. I go in on Dec. 22^nd – I’ll be exactly 12 weeks by then and hope to see two very strong babies both measuring at 12 weeks. We are off to Houston to see my parents and relatives for Christmas and hopefully I’ll have a little belly to show off. I’m not sure when I’ll see my parents again. I’m hoping they come up before the baby is born to see Madison prior to the twins showing up… and of course I want them to come up for a while after the babies are born… Tom and I will need all the help we can get and they are planning to spend the summer outside of Houston anyway. J

A little catching up!

Now I'm going to go back and post a journal I've been keeping on my computer to share with those who care to read the ramblings of a pregnant woman who's life is about to be turned upside down by the addition of two little babies. :)

Enjoy and comment as you wish!

It's been a long time and a lot has changed!

Where to begin!? I suppose I could start by addressing the topic of my last post. God, it sounds so sad. It's not that I've forgotten the sadness, but it's not on my mind all the time!

For starters... sometime after that post Tom and I started working with a new infertility clinic called Seattle Reproductive Medicine. I was still working part time and in school, Tom was still working at REI, but we decided that we had the money saved up and this was worth it... for my sanity and to attain our goal of starting a family. After another failed round of Clomid with IUI and some more testing it was brought to our attention that our most likely solution was IVF. Tom and I decided to go for it!

Around this same time we also decided that Tom really needed to get a job - a job that he loved that wasn't hourly - so we opened up the search outside of Seattle. Right after we did that Tom was interviewing with companies in California and Wisconsin. Tom had numerous phone interviews with Pacific Cycles in Madison, WI and ended up flying out for an interview for a Senior Product Manager position for Scwhinn IBD. The position was a perfect fit for Tom and a great opportunity for him. The money was much better... we could sell both our properties in Seattle and afford to pay outright for the IVF, pay off our HELOC and still have enough money for a sizeable downpayment and some extra cash. This would put us in a position where I could stay home and raise the little baby we were trying to hard to conceive!

Tom took the job in Madison and we were moving... now we had to decide whether or not I would stay back and complete the IVF with SRM or if we would move to Madison and figure it out there. I really like SRM and they have state of the art technology and excellent pregnancy rates in my age group. After many back and forths we decided it would be best for me to quit work and stay for a month in Seattle to complete the IVF. Tom returned for the retrieval (where they take the eggs out and fertilize them) then returned to Madison while I waited for the transfer.

I received and started my injections in September while we were finishing up the houses - selling and buying - then by the time I got to the real deal - the stims - I was unemployed and staying with my mother in law. I was very relaxed and felt good about the procedure. I went in every other day for ultrasounds to track the progress of my eggs... and WOW did I make eggs. In the end they came out with 41 eggs... 30 fertilized... THIRTY!!! That was an amazing number!

Tom and I talked about what I should do when I went for the transfer. I really wanted to transfer two because I was nervous that if it didn't work I would always wonder if it would have worked if we put two back. I knew it increased our chances of twins, but I really wanted to put two back for my piece of mind... and twins was fine with me! Tom told me I should do whatever the doctor recommended and I said, "okay"

I ended up making it to a 5 day transfer (the best case scenario). I was sure they doc would recommend transferring one because my doc had told me that putting two back at 5 day transfer would only increase my chances of twins. I was upset, but excited at the same time. Well, to my surprise - when I got there the doc recommended two. I didn't even hesitate... YES YES YES!! :) Lynda (my MIL) went with me and you could see them do the transfer on the screens that they had up. I got to see my two little blastocysts and got a picture of them. I cried to myself a bit as they did the transfer and felt really positive. I went home and layed around for a couple of days watching movies.

I had to wait ten days for my beta. We decided to have the nurse call Tom with the results because I wanted to share the news with him first. I vowed not to take a pregnancy test because I didn't want to get a false negative and stress myself out. I just waited. I tried to stay busy spending time with my friends before I left for Madison. Time went by reasonably well and the fateful day came.

On October 28th, 2005 I dropped off blood for my beta and later that day I was shopping with Lynda at Fred Meyer and the phone rang - it was Tom, but it seemed too soon to actually get the results. I froze then decided to answer. He asked me when they were going to call. I said, "hey, you can't do that I was so nervous to answer the phone." I told him I didn't expect to hear anything for another couple of hours. He called again about 5 or 10 mins later and I thought... what? what does he want now??... they had called... He said, "they need you to come back in two days for another blood draw." Now, I knew that if it was positive I would have to go back for another beta to make sure the numbers were doubling.... I said, "does that mean it worked?" He said, "yes, you are pregnant and your number was 548" I was so excited and gave Lynda the thumbs up. She started crying and hugging me and I was crying.. Yes, in Fred Meyer! :)

After I got off the phone I started thinking about it. I was only 15dpo.. only one day late for my period and I know a lot of women have a hard time getting a positive on a pregnancy test..which are pretty sensitive... wow, my number is HIGH... twins?? We would have to wait until we got to around 7 weeks to find that out!

I was shocked and didn't really believe it. I think I spent the next two hours on the phone calling all of the people that were waiting to hear!

Fast forward to 8.5 weeks pregnant.. now in Madison, WI and still disbelieving.. though I was feeling like crap and really tired. I originally had thought it was probably twins.. why would one work if the other hadn't?? As time had gone by I didn't think it was twins because I thought I would be more sick.

But here is what we saw at the ultrasound:


We are having twins. My 40 week due date is July 7th, but I was told twins are term at 37 weeks so my due date is more like June 15th.

PS... by the way. I was right ... Tammy's second IVF worked and she is pregnant with twins... she is currently 36 weeks and just waiting to deliver!

left out of the club

... Karen had Riley yesterday - I haven't talked to her yet.... partly because I had class until 9:30pm last night and partly because I can't think about it without crying. I'm on day 64 of another long cycle. I'm feeling so helpless.. I can't fix it.. I've tried so many things and short of taking drugs I can't make myself ovulate! I feel like I've taken a huge step backward, but part of me doesn't want to take drugs and the other part can't afford it anyway. I'm feeling really discouraged and back to feeling like this is not meant to be for me!

It all overflows into the rest of my life.. I get so depressed nothing seems worth doing. Why go to work.. I don't need the money for a family.. can I even go back to school.. I'm probably not smart enough.. what would I do when I get out?

Hopeless... helpless.. worthless.. and still nobody understands.

Tammy finds out this Friday if IVF worked or not.. I think she is pregnant.. probably with one! My prediction.. let's see if I am right...

yet again.. left out of the club!

Cooper Michael Sweet!

I'm an AUNTIE... Fergus Festus has shown his face one week early and we finally found out his real name... COOPER! He's super cute and totally looks like a Cooper.



I'm so glad that I got to meet him the day he was born... from what I can tell from the pictures he's already changing!



It's been a hard couple of days... I'm great when I'm with him and Julie.. it's when I'm away thinking about Julie having a baby.. and me not even pregnant yet! She's graduated and joined the other team... will she be preoccupied with her mom friends?? She'll be busy with Cooper and family and mom's groups... will I be swept away? I'm sure it will happen to a degree. I don't want to be too pushy and want to go over there all the time...

It was all like a slap in the face.. makes it all reality! Karen is following closely behind and soon I will go through this all over again! Be the one without the baby.... or a baby coming!

As of right now I'm on CD38 and I haven't even ovulated yet... AF is no where in site either... it could be a long couple of months before she even shows! Three more weeks for me to get pregnant and still have a chance of having a baby in 2005... doubtful. I'm trying to put it in God's hands... trying to keep my spirits up!

I trust you to do what is best for me.. it just hurts that it might not be the same as what I want for myself!

I'm so proud of myself!

I finally did it! After applying for admission over a year ago I finally drug my sorry procrastinating ass up to Seattle Central Community College and took the placement exam! GEEZ! Was it really that hard? I didn’t place as high on the math as I wanted and ended up in the math class just below the one I need, but you know what… that’s okay!!! I’m one step closer to my dream and now I know where I stand.

Is this a sign? What? What should I do?

Had our CD16 u/s today – No follies and the cyst is still there. I am largely unsatisfied with the service that I’ve been receiving at PGS. Today the MA said she was going to go and talk to Dr. Hicock and when she came back she said that he thought it was a persistent cyst – then she said, “oh, but your estrogen was down.” Yeah!! Duh! We tested to see if the cyst was going to be a problem and found that it was shrinking and wasn’t kicking off estrogen. The reason I didn’t ovulate is b/c the medication didn’t do the trick. So the MA tells me we should still have sex b/c you never know and to call in about 2 weeks period of no period and we would go from there. I’m tired of not seeing the doctor... I’m tired of just being bounced around from person to person and getting the “treatment of the day” depending on who’s on call.

I’m starting to think that maybe God is trying to tell me that this door is closed – at least for right now. I’m feeling like maybe he wants me to focus on this going back to school thing and forget about the baby thing. It’s awful as I think that in the back of my mind I have bitterness and contempt for my friends that are pregnant – yes I am coveting my neighbor. (I’m going to hell.) I’m feeling like there is no way I can have relationships with these people that have kids after I make the decision that we are done trying and are facing the fact that we may never have kids. I can’t imagine what my life will be like in my 40s when there are no kids to talk about – that’s all people talk about in their 40s. I won’t have any friends. I just can’t even stomach the idea of hanging around with Karen and Julie and their kids knowing that I may not ever have children of my own.

It’s really time for me to spread my wings and add to my circle of friends… find people that talk about something other than babies, breastfeeding and diaper changing.
God, what? What are you trying to tell me? Are you testing me to see if I will remain true to you even though my prayers aren’t answered immediately or are you trying to tell me it just isn’t going to happen for Tom and I? I can’t tell if you are trying to tell me to keep pushing or to give up. Please help me see the answer to this question!

Life as an ENFJ!

ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition)
An expert from a personality typing program:
The main driver to the ENFJ personality is Extraverted Feeling, whose purpose is above all to find and discriminate the values in people and human situations. If their ability to find a specific and worthy value in a person or situation is threatened, the ENFJ shuts out the threatening force. This is totally natural, but unfortunately the individual who exercises this type of agenda protection regularly will become more and more rigid in their judgements and expectations of people, but even less concerned with the effect such conditions have upon themselves. Petulance, pensiveness and a sense of being let down by others can often be the end result of this one sided approach to the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel almost – vindicated… justified.. as if I’ve identified a side of myself as being real and rational. I always thought I was crazy/selfish/whiney for feeling this way, for feeling totally let down by my friends. Feeling like I put so much forth – so much consideration for their feelings – and get little to none in return. I have been feeling this way so much lately in regard to this whole infertility thing. Should the circumstances be switched I would give my friends that respect of trying to curb my conversations about my own pregnancy while I was around them. For a while I felt that I got the courtesy from Julie, but not Karen, but as Julie’s pregnancy progresses and I guess as we spent time talking about my difficulties she has started to talk more and more about her pregnancy and it’s hard for me. It’s not that I don’t care – it just hurts for me to hear these things. So, instead of expecting people (note: expectations of people) to modify their behaviour I had decided to take the month of January off of seeing Karen and Julie and/or discussing pregnancy with anyone. (notice: shuts out the threatening force) It was really hard for me when we spent most of MY birthday celebration talking about Karen’s pregnancy – and EVERYONE that she knows is pregnant’s pregnancy (almost her entire peps group is pregnant again – isn’t that great – yea, it’s just super fantastic) and Julie’s pregnancy. (note: being let down by others )(I’m trying really hard not to be bitter) It was feeling great – now this whole business of figuring things out for Jennie’s wedding has forced me to look at it again – do I want to stay in a house full of babies?? I need to decide now…not in February. Should I be positive and upbeat and say “sure we can stay there b/c I will certainly be pregnant BY THEN.” Or should I be safe and say “maybe it would be a bad idea since that date correlates pretty closely with the time that Tom and I will be re-evaluating our plans for whether or not to continue trying to have kids and I could already be pretty emotional”?

I guess I feel less like a whiney baby now – it’s part of who I am to react this way. I guess now it’s time to realize this – look it in the face – and handle it better! BLAH! Maybe I liked being a whiney baby better. Another thing that ENFJ’s do is hold on to their values and decisions and use things like this to justify them.

Mac

PS.. here is a picture of our dog Phoebe (the big one) and the puppy we are fostering - He's been with us for just over a month and our dog is finally getting settled in with him. It's got its moments, but for the most part it's a lot of fun.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v603/babycrazy03/PandM.gif

Feel like I have my life back!

I'm feeling so good.. yippee for 2005. I really feel like "i'm back" that's all I could think last night while I was running. So far I'm keeping up decently well with things that I've wanted to change in my life... like my attitude and my ASS! ha ha ha I've been sticking to my running schedule pretty well - I'm committed to running the Mercer Island half marathon on March 20th and am busy recruiting runners for the Mt. Si relay on April 17th. If I get pregnant ... great... I can still run. I've got to do this for my sanity. It's nice to have things to look forward to other than MAYBE being pregnant!

I've started to notice the beauty surrounding me here in Seattle as well and am trying to convince my husband that we should try not turning on the TV every night. I think at first we would feel strapped for something to do/talk about, but we would figure it out. I was recently inspired by a friend's story of her to be brother in law and his wife.. they have bicycle trainers in their living room instead of a couched. I mentioned this to my hubby last night and he told me he used to do that when he was watching tv... hmm we have a trainer and some rollers -- maybe we should consider this - we could still watch CSI and limit our tv time to when we are both on the bikes! I so want to be more active! :) And active together would be great! Maybe eventually I would be willing to take the show on the road and do road rides with him in the Spring.. then I would feel like I MIGHT be able to keep up! ;) See who needs babies when there is so much to do out there!

I made a new collage last weekend -- I had one last year that I kept in our office at home - it was to outline the things that I wanted to accomplish in 2004. Funny thing is that I RARELY go in the office at home so I never looked at it.. some inspiration huh? So this year's collage is on my desk at work right by my computer where I can see it! :)

Things represented on my collage - motherhood, heathly eating, mercer island half marathon and running, simplicity, chill out, revitalize, less is more, energy, renewal, something bigger than myself, "The thing that God wants to do in you while you wait is at least as important as the thing for which you wait" - Ben Patterson. What does all of this mean? I want to experience my life instead of just floating through. I want to open my eyes again and stop focusing so much on trying to get pregnant and the things that I can't do and more on the things that I CAN do. I am alive, I am healthy (for the most part and improving every day), I have the ability to do everything I want to do.. I just need to do it! God is there.. he is handling all the behind the scenes stuff and he can't live my life for me... I have to do that on my own!

Watch out world.. Laura is back in the game!!!

long-er run

Got through a 5 mile run unscathed yesterday. It felt great and I feel great... I'm so excited to be back out there. Maybe I will join a running club! :) Preg or not.. I'll still run I suppose! It was a beautiful chilly night and I started out as the sun was setting over the olympic mountains. It was breath taking. Jennie and I ran along the sound through Myrtle Edwards park then all the way to Ballard! We didn't talk about babies once... it was wonderful!

(See more progress on "Run the Mercer Island Half Marathon"...)

It's time to Run again!

Okay... it's going to be a new year... I'm going to have a new attitude.. and in order for me to do this.. I MUST RUN! I'm going to start training for the Mercer Island Half Marathon on March 20th. No more using this "trying to make a baby" thing as an excuse to not run. I've made contact with a couple of other people that are starting to run again and I'm confident that I will have people to run with! I'm excited! :)

2004 is almost over! (YIPPEE)

2004 is coming to an end in the next couple of days and as I look back I am trying to reflect on some of the positive things that have happened - may as well get a jump start on my NEW POSITIVE attitude for 2005, right?

2004 was the first year of my marriage. As promised it was rocky. I’ve heard that the first year is the hardest of all the years. We got through relatively unscathed. Upon returning from a trip to Tom’s friend Jennifer’s wedding Tom told me he had ordered a bunch of “marriage” books online. I, of course, did not believe him and assumed he was making fun of my addiction to “self help” books. He wasn’t joking – we came home to a book called “Good Marriage” – I read it (and am rather doubtful that Tom will ever turn a page in that book J). The first two chapters pertained to the first year of marriage, chapter 1: Creating a partnership while maintaining autonomy and chapter 2: Separating from the Family of Origin.

This book came at a great time… after reading those two chapters I recognized the turning point that we were coming to with our first year anniversary just around the corner. I felt that we had done a pretty decent job of creating a partnership while maintaining autonomy, but the separation from the family of origin really hit home. I realized that I wasn’t fully embracing my role as wife while moving away from my role as daughter. I was still attached to that role – and still am. I enjoy my relationship with my parents and have lived under their safe umbrella for 28 years before marrying Tom – particularly the umbrella of my father’s support and guidance. I realized that I was still depending on that quite a bit and therefore in a way stealing some of Tom’s power in our relationship and of all things handing it to my dad. Over the course of the last couple of months I have consciously tried to turn to Tom more and more for the things that I would normally talk to my dad about. Now I would be lying if I said I won’t go to my dad anymore, but I am trying to discuss things with Tom first and have us make decisions together and bring my dad in if we both agree that we need outside support in something. So far I think I’m doing okay here! J

We purchased a house this year as well. Dad purchased 50% of the condo and we used that money to purchase a town home exactly one block away. We purchased the house before it was finished being built and were able to pick out a lot of the interior finishes. We are pleased with the final result, and though I had my reservations about living in a town home I really do love it! Turns out it was a great investment – town homes in our area are now selling for $55k more than we paid for ours. We deliberated a lot about whether or not we really wanted to be strapped with a home mortgage. The condo mortgage payment was so low it was comparable to rent, but a mortgage payment to purchase a home in the city is over DOUBLE what we paid for the condo. We were nervous, but felt that we would soon be priced out of the area and wouldn’t be able to purchase something at all. Looks like we were right.

I finished enough tests to get me to a fully qualified DNOS position and to get the stipend from the home office. I got my title and my raise. I still need to take a couple more tests to maintain the title and the raise. I have the Series 10 on my plate in January/February and I’m supposed to get the Series 65 by June 2005. I’m still working to wiggle my way out of this role and move more into a support / Client Relations Center role. It is public that I want to move on. Tammy has assured me that they are looking for someone to replace me. I think it will take some finagling and I will need to be the main person while the second person finishes up with their testing and training, but I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Part of my goals for the beginning of 2005 is to come up with an end date as to how long I’m willing to hang in there before I chose to go elsewhere for employment.

Tom was laid off from K2 the week of Thanksgiving. I’m still amazed at how well I handled that news. Tom had already been starting his job search to move on from K2 and hopefully the bike business and I think this has just put him in a more urgent situation. Unfortunately year-end isn’t the best time to look for a job, but he has been making contacts and networking so he can jump right in at the New Year. He got 2 weeks notice and 4 weeks severance – we are coming up against the end of that severance at the end of the week and I am a bit nervous about making ends meet on unemployment, but we’ve got some money saved up and we should be fine. I know he won’t be unemployed forever and hopefully he will be able to break into the cooking gadget market. We have decided that this is not worthy of a move – Tom will continue to look for employment in Seattle and I will hang in there here as long as I need to.

We were going to wait until 2005 to see an RE, but I got fed up with not being monitored by my OBGYN so I contacted Dr. Hicock at the end of November and was able to get in to see him right away due to a cancellation he had. We just completed our first round of treatment with him – unfortunately without success. I would like to be more aggressive in 2005, but am awaiting a call back to see if he is on board. 2004 presented many struggles for me, for Tom and for our marriage around my infertility. My whole life (well since I first started thinking about the prospect of having my own children) I’ve assumed that getting pregnant would be a challenge – my mom had trouble and I’ve never had regular cycles. I started working toward this at the beginning of 2003 – just trying to be physically as ready as I could be – little did I know that it was my emotional stability I should have been working on. J I’m excited to – try to – wipe the slate clean and move on. Part of my desire to adjust my attitude in a more positive direction is that in looking back over the past year I see that my struggle with infertility has sent me down an even greater spiral of negativity. It has affected my relationship with Tom, my relationships with my friends and even my relationship with myself. I don’t want it to rule my life anymore. Over this past year I have felt cheated, like a failure, like my life will never take shape, hopeless, alone, abandoned, afraid, frustrated, angry, disappointed and mostly sad. I’ve felt like my life isn’t really amounting to much and now I can’t even bring life into this world. I’m hoping to have a more positive outlook in 2005 and to drop the pity party and start making changes to the life I keep saying I hate – which is a bit of an exaggeration on most days.

All in all life is good… I won’t lie and tell you that there isn’t a gaping hole in my heart where a child belongs.. but I’m going to try to deal with it in a more positive light in the coming year.

Stilllllll trying. (I need a little energizer bunny picture)

It's now December 9th and I'm STILL not pregnant. This is my 4th round of Clomid and I finally switched over to an RE. I talked to my OB/GYN and she said this would be a good time b/c she is getting ready to go on MATERNITY leave! Are you kidding me? I haven't seen her since June or July so I had NO idea she was even pregnant! That was a slap in the face.... So the tally is up to about 13 people now... 1. Julie, 2. Karen, 3. Shannon Farmerie, 4. Courtney Van Rotten, 5. Nathalie Middleton, 6. Deanne Wirth, 7. Jen TTC, 8. Alesa Sweet, 9. Sara de la Torre, 10. Laila Hick, 11. Marlo Penka, 12. Monica Magnan, 13. April Kriha... these are all women that I know that are pregnant... notice again that my name is NOT on this list.. AGAIN!

At my last appt at the RE I had an u/s done to see if there are any maturing follicles. Well, I have a cyst on my left ovary, a 13 and 15mm follie in my right ovary and a 2mm lining. Anyone that knows about any of this knows that those results aren't great! It was still a bit early in the cycle for me even at CD14.. I took my clomid later this cycle per the docs request and probably wouldn't be ovulating until around CD17 or more. I go back in on Saturday to see if things are moving along -- meaning cyst diminishing, follies and lining growing.

If my friend the cyst doesn't go away on it's own and is still lingering at the beginning of my next cycle I'll probably have to take bcp until it's gone... hmm... and how is THAT going to help me get pregnant.

My odds for having a baby in 2005 are looking pretty bad. I certainly don't expect to get a pregnancy for Christmas..

Though this post sounds really negative I'm feeling a bit better emotionally -- it's certainly still a rollercoaster, but now it's more like a Mutual fund than a security.. the ups are a bit lower and the lows are not as low! I feel like I becoming a bit numb to the whole thing. When Tom and I left my u/s appointment I felt.. mostly nothing.. a bit disappointed, but no tears.

I still think this blows... I still feel cheated... I still feel frustrated and like a failure, but I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of a VERY LONG tunnel.